************************************
MY FATHER'S PASSING
************************************
By Gayle Hoover Thorne, California, United States
Ruhiyyih Khanum asked that my father, Wayne Hoover, go on a teaching trip to the Caribbean Islands. This was some time in the fall of 1978. The reason she asked him to go was that he had been an ordained Methodist minister prior to becoming a Baha'i and she felt that his background suited him particularly well to the heavily Christian population of the Caribbean Islands.
Dad was quite weak by the time he readied to leave so he took with him a young Baha'i from Gorham, Maine. Paul Rourke accompanied Dad and tended to whatever needs Dad had.
The two of them went to a couple of the islands before they came to St. Lucia where friends of my father lived. Frank and Pat Paccassi were pioneers on that island.
Dad went on TV and radio, told the people there about Baha'u'llah, about the Faith, told them he had cancer and said that he was going to die and that he hoped he would die there. He died the very next day. The islanders were amazed and moved, even more so when they learned that he would be buried there!
When my father left to go on this teaching trip, I never saw him again. I knew, however, that I would have a dream about him. I waited and waited. Six weeks later I had the following dream...
Dad came into the room wearing his white London Fog overcoat. His face looked ruddy and he went to his dresser to empty his pockets there. The dresser top was bare. In real life his dresser top was so littered with things that if one set a matchbook down on the wrong place, the whole pile would shimmy to the floor.
I looked at Dad and said, "You're supposed to be DEAD (and gone)" and he smiled sideways at me and replied, "I AM, but only when I CHOOSE to be". Then I approached him and gave him a better hug than I'd ever given him in real life. While I was hugging him, I felt the connection. This was MY father. The pull on my heart was great. I whispered into his ear, "What's it like?" Then, realizing that perhaps I shouldn't know the details I whispered, "Just give me a little clue".
Dad waited so long to respond that I thought he hadn't heard me. Then he said, "It's like an infinite tenderness for the Almighty". I woke up just knowing I'd been with him.
**************************************
THE DEATH OF A HUSBAND
**************************************
by Phoebe Anne Lemmon, Quebec, Canada
A ruptured appendix, followed by an eight-month battle with peritonitis, proved fatal for my first husband, the father of my three children, who were two, six, and seven at the time of his death.
We had not spoken about death during his illness, and, indeed, I never even entertained the thought. I settled into a routine of being at home during the morning until after lunch, having a babysitter in the afternoon while I was at the hospital, returning home to have supper with the children and oversee bedtime, and going back to the hospital for an evening visit while a different friend stayed with the children. These memories are almost thirty-five years old so might not be totally accurate, but I’m sure they’re not far off.
The night my husband died I received the call just a few minutes after having returned home from my evening visit. I had known when I left him that he was very weak and that a nurse would be with him during the night. If I had realized that he was actually leaving this life, I would have stayed with him, of course. I honestly believe, as I came to believe in the days following his death, that during his illness my emotions had gone into some sort of protective mode, so I did not contemplate life without him. I lived very much in the present.
Perhaps at a subconscious level I was dealing with what was happening and preparing for the outcome because I really did not grieve a great deal. I relied on Baha’u’llah’s words that He had “made death a messenger of joy to thee”. The day of my husband’s funeral I felt a warm glow at the centre of my being that spread throughout my entire body. After the funeral a neighbor who was not a Baha’i said to my sister, who was also not a Baha’i, “Your sister looked radiant today. She was a living example of her faith”! And I know the Faith is what sustained me during the hard times.
Although I feel that I fared quite well myself, I am not so sure that I did the best for my children. This was in the days when one did not take children to a funeral and mine stayed with a neighbor (with whose children they often played) who could not handle funerals and had offered to look after them. I had told them the very next morning after his death that Daddy had died the previous evening and tried to assure them that he was no longer sick and in pain, but I do not know what needs they had that they did not express and that I did not recognize. With grief, as with any other experience we have in life, our best recourse is total reliance on the guidance in the Writings.
************************************************************
THE COMFORT OF FAMILY MEMBERS
DURING THE DEATH OF MY SISTER-IN-LAW
************************************************************
By Johnson Maxey
In October 1991, my sister-in-law, still four months short of her thirty-ninth birthday, died of a heart attack (heart problems run in her family.) This stunned all of us and hurt us deeply since we had felt Mary Jane as a close family member, probably almost from the time when she began seeing my brother in 1970.
I learned the value of spending three days in the company of my immediate family and Mary Jane's, to grieve together. This must have made us feel comfortable with our feelings of loss. I think that the collective memory of her made her seem nearly present. I don't recall any time when so many people cried, and that felt good.
One of Mary Jane's sisters had the excellent idea for each of us writing something about Jane--memories of what she meant to us. The sister with excellent handwriting compiled them and gave them to the minister conducting the funeral service. He read them as a eulogy, probably the most fitting that one could have. Tears flowed again. I hope that you can find some significance in my experience.
*********************************************
NO REAL SEPARATION BETWEEN
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
*********************************************
By Frances Mezei, Ontario, Canada (This article first appeared in "Parenting in the New World Order", Volume 1, Issue #9, 1992)
It has been my good fortune to have had a special mother who taught me how to listen to love. She planted loving seeds in me which were kindly watered, nurtured and cared for and continues to do so from the other world. My mother departed to the other world back in 1977 when I was nineteen years old after a nine year struggle with a brain tumor. Watching her deal with her illness was at times very painful and yet very natural. She had an amazingly enduring strength and every time I would visit her at the hospital, she would smile at me and continue to give me deep love. And yet, I watched her undergo tremendous physical pain, lose her balance causing her at times to fall, lose her hair, lose her memory and other bodily functions. Her greatest sacrifice was giving me her uniquely human gift of speech which she herself lost from time to time during her illness. I should mention that my mother helped me overcome a profound hearing loss and she taught me lipreading and listening skills.
At my mother's funeral, my dear father read the most precious description about my mother. I would be honoured to share with you the last line which I treasure the most. "She will remain alive in all of us. She always requested: "Please pray for me and remember me.' I am sure we all will."
When I was young, I had no concept of God or understanding of the power of prayer. Whenever, my mother asked me to pray for her, I thought she was talking nonsense. I felt that my mother was taken away from me forever and I would never see her again. It was a dead feeling and I felt as though I had just entered a deep, dark and black void...
Twelve years later after being strongly guided and working hard to develop my spirituality, I discovered that God exists. Soon after this miracle, I began to pray and for one whole month during my mother's anniversary of the time of her death in January 1989, I prayed and prayed for her each day. I have never felt happier and it was amazing to have thought that I was at last fulfilling my mother's request to me to please pray for her. Very soon after this, I became a Baha'i. Now, I feel that she is very happy and is growing spiritually in the other world. We continue to pray for each other, provide inner strength and our special love continues to bloom. I am now at peace for I was enriched by her motherly love which lasts eternally.
"In the next world, man will find himself freed from many of the disabilities under which he now suffers. Those who have passed on through death have a sphere of their own. It is not removed from ours; their work, the work of the kingdom, is ours; but it is sanctified from what we call 'time and place.' Time with us is measured by the sun. When there is no more sunrise, and no more sunset, that kind of time does not exist for man. Those who have ascended have different attributes from those who are still on earth, yet there is no real separation. In prayer there is a mingling of station, a mingling of condition. Pray for them as they pray for you!" ('Abdu'l-Baha, 'Abdu'l-Baha in London, pp. 95-96)
*******************************************************************
PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS TO DEAL WITH GRIEF
*******************************************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Darkest Hour: How Suffering Begins the Journey to Wisdom" by Kathleen A Brettony, PhD, pp. 206-07
1. When you are in the wake of a great loss, recognize and acknowledge that you are grieving. Some characteristic feelings you may experience are: shock, denial, anger, sadness, anxiety, emptiness. Allow yourself to feel these fully. Have patience with yourself as your broken heart heals.
2. Let yourself feel the pain. Give in to it. Accept that grief's emotions come in waves, in cycles. Let yourself cry. Viktor Frankl reminds us that tears are no cause for shame. " For tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer," he wrote. Many people have told me that they were afraid to cry for fear that the tears would never stop. I can only tell you that, after more than twenty years of working with grieving people and suffering grief myself, I have never seen that happen. If the tears go unshed, however, the fear of their torment can continue until they are released.
3. Express your sorrow. Talk about your grief. Write about your feelings in a journal. Express your sadness through art of any kind. Paint, dance, sculpt, write, or sing into the world. Release the pressure of the pain and don't be ashamed to let it out.
4. Forgive yourself for all the things you think you should have done or wish you had said and didn't. Let go of your regrets. However, pay attention to what you wish you had done and let your grief about chances lost impel you to change now and in the future. Show your feelings to others you love. Let grief help you to treasure each moment you have. Let it encourage you to express your tenderness but forgive yourself for what you cannot change.
5. Take care of yourself. Maintain a balanced diet and good exercise habits. Take care of your physical body. Meditate. Grief is exhausting and we often get distracted from our normal routines when it visits us. When you're grieving is a particularly good time to become very committed to caring for yourself.
6. Find diversions. Although it is important to sit with your grief - doing nothing but experiencing "what is" - it is also necessary to take some breaks from it. Go out to a lighthearted movie with a friend. Be frivolous. Have fun.
7. Be aware of "anniversary reactions" and know that certain, special days are likely to be particularly tough ones for you, especially in the early days of grief. Plan activities that commemorate your loss. It will ease your pain. Some feelings of loss will be triggered throughout your life by a wide array of reminders. These can be all kinds of sights, sounds, smells, and events that recall your loss. If grief is not fully worked through, if most of it lies beneath the surface in the underworld of the unconscious, these triggers can engender major psychological reactions rather than a passing feeling of loss or nostalgia. Be aware of the intensity of your responses to these memories. If you break down completely when something triggers a memory of a lost loved one, explore ways to mourn your loss more consciously.
8. Get help if you need it. Be aware that sadness can turn into depression. There are many resources that you can turn to for help: a therapist who specializes in grief, bereavement groups, or support groups for people who are going through divorce or the loss of a career.
9. Help others. Nothing puts our own grief in perspective as much as helping others who are struggling with their own sorrow. Volunteer and share with others your experiences. Listen to theirs. Find the healing that this simple transaction brings.
*********************************************
GUIDELINES TO HELP A CHILD
THROUGH GRIEF
*********************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Funeral" which is a resource guide to the practical and emotional issues, pp. 29 -30. Prepared by J.B. Marlatt Funeral Homes Ltd, Dundas, Ontario, Canada.
a) As soon as possible after death, set time aside to talk to the child.
b) Give the child the facts in a simple manner - be careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up in his or her mind.
c) If you can't answer their questions, it's OK to say "I don't know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us".
d) Use the correct language - say the words "dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as, "He's sleeping...", or "God took her...", or "He went away...".
e) Ask questions. "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?" "What do you think has happened?"
f) Explain your feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness and to share our feelings with them.
g) Use the given name of the decreased when speaking of him or her.
h) Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child. Speak to that level.
i) Talk about feelings, such as angry, sad, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing to die too, etc.
j) Read a book on death to your child. Also, read a book on childhood grief so you have a better understanding of what they may be experiencing.
k) Talk about the visitation period and funeral. Explain what happens there and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of your family.
l) Think about ways that a child can say goodbye to the decreased, such as writing a letter, poem, drawing a picture, etc.
m) Talk to your child about your religious beliefs, and what happens to people after they die.
n) Invite your child to come back to you if he or she has more questions or has heard rumors so that you can help him or her to get the correct information.
o) Talk about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.
p) Watch out for "bad dreams" - are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams: they are a way to discharge stress.
q) Watch for behaviour changes in your child - if they are cause for concern, seek professional help.
r) Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who had died.
s) Sudden death, violent death and the death of a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep, appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.


--------------------------------------
By Cindy Catches, South Dakota, United States
I just read the November issue, Volume 5, Issue #3, about dealing with grief which made me think of a story about a death that is very precious to me. I lost my brother when I was sixteen in a car accident. It was devastating to me as he was nineteen and my father figure. About two weeks after I had lost him, he came to me in a dream. He took me with him. He showed me the beautiful place that he was at and for me not to be sad. He was so happy. It helped me and from then on, he was always helping me. When I was about 25 years old, after a nine year search, I found the Baha'i Faith. I read a quote by Abdu'l-Baha which describes the loss of a young person like a loving Gardener seeing a plant that was not doing well in a certain place (that was my brother) and the gardener doesn't take the plant out and throw it away. He lovingly transplants the plant in an area that it can grow and develop better. Yes, this had been just what my brother had shown me. Now that I had the Faith, I knew that I could let my brother go so he could grow even better.
After many years had gone by, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was very concerned about it. I said a prayer to my brother "Oh, how I wish you were here to help me with this decision. I need your wisdom." I expected him to come to me in a dream as I had asked him to help me with a dream. But nothing came. So I just let go and knew that I would do what I had to do. One morning my best girl friend called me to come over. She said that something so scary had happened to her. She said "your brother came to me last night in a dream and that she doesn't even know my brother! He said to tell you that you did the right thing and not to worry about it. Do you know what he was talking about?" I said that I did and told her what I had done. My friend is someone who doesn't like spiritual things, they scare her and she doesn't even talk about them. She said "don't ever do that again, it scared me so that I woke up crying and my husband had to help me go back to sleep." For a while I wondered why he came to her and not me and then it was so clear. You see, this decision was one I would guilt about all my life and yet, I knew if I did not do it, I would die. This way, I am more gentle with myself, I know in a clearer way, that I did the right thing for me.
*****************