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CHILDREN AND STRESS
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By Marilyn Carey
THE ROLE OF STRESS
These are very difficult times for children. It is difficult for them to have a perspective on the events of September 11th. Those who were watching television saw planes hit the towers all week long. For the younger children, it may seem as if this is happening over and over again, as they cannot understand replay. For youth, it reminds them over and over again that their world is not safe. Of course, children do take cues from the adults around them, and let's face it, although we know that it is necessary for aspects of the old world order to change, it is difficult to see suffering on a massive scale. We adults are also stressed.
Actually, stress is a normal part of our life. It helps us to be alert, be curious and keeps us energized for the task of the day. It also helps us to understand where we need to look at changing our ideas or routines. Every day children and youth deal with friendship issues, school pressures, parent expectations, sibling rivalry, disappointments, and demands from both the Baha’i and the secular community. Children may also have long term stressors like divorce, parents fighting, moving from a familiar school and community, death or social problems like having no friends.
Too much stress can lead to feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, a feeling of helplessness and an inability to make decisions. Long term stress can have a very real developmental impact on children, so we need to teach them effective strategies for dealing with their stress while they are young.
Parents are the best teachers/counsellors for their children. We live in an era that encourages referrals to outside agencies, but parents should usually handle this. They are the primary educator and the people/person who has the overview throughout the life span. It also helps develop the parent/child bond and helps with the authority of the parent. It is nice for the child or youth to know that their parent is wise. It does mean that the parent has to be present and watchful, but is this not part of our role as protector?
WHAT DOES TOO MUCH STRESS LOOK LIKE IN CHILDREN?
A younger child may have difficulty sleeping, may change their eating patterns, and may have toileting “slips” Under stress, it is very common for children to regress, particularly if it is a skill that they have recently learned. They may also have more tantrums or angry outbursts. It is impossible for young children to have the language to say “mom/dad, the events of this past month are just too much for me to handle”. Instead, they “blow up” or take it out on siblings or animals. Some may become very quiet. Just because kids don’t talk about bad things, does not mean that they are not experiencing stress.
Youth may also have behavior changes - trouble sleeping, comfort eating or not able to eat, staying out with their friends or self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Don’t let that adult body fool you. They have not had enough life experiences to feel confident that they are going to make the right decisions to get through the difficulty. They also may not know what is wrong, only that they feel depressed. Much of the time it is hard for them to discover which part of what is happening is giving them the stress.
They need more practice solving problems, before they become competent detectives. Above all, try not to be too hurt if they blame you for how they feel and help them put their stress into perspective.
Praise be to God! I see before me these beautiful children of the Kingdom. Their hearts are pure, their faces are shining. They shall soon become the sons and daughters of the Kingdom. Thanks be to God! They are seeking to acquire virtues and will be the cause of the attainment of the excellences of humanity. This is the cause of oneness in the Kingdom of God. Praise be to God! They have kind and revered teachers who train and educate them well and who long for confirmation in order that, God willing, like tender plants in the garden of God they may be refreshed by the downpour of the clouds of mercy, grow and become verdant. In the utmost perfection and delicacy may they at last bring forth fruit. I supplicate God that these children may be reared under His protection and that they may be nourished by His favor and grace until all, like beautiful flowers in the garden of human hopes and aspirations, shall blossom and become redolent of fragrance. ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, pp. 193-94)
IDEAS FOR BLASTING AWAY WORRIES
AGES 7 AND UNDER
* Create a safe zone - a place where no worries are allowed. It might be in your room, or a corner that you create together. This zone should have books with beautiful pictures; craft ideas ( gluing, colouring, play dough, felt pens, scissors, stapler, paper, water colours, magazine pictures for gluing, beading material, etc.); good music-either classical or upbeat music like Raffi or Red Grammer; stuffed animals.
* Play in water. This can mean a bubble bath, in the sink with a few toys or in the sink with a glass that has water and dish soap and a straw to blow bubbles. If it is warm outside, run through the sprinkler or paddle in a pool.
* Blow bubbles. It is so much fun.
* Go for a walk together - any form of exercise helps. Pick flowers, throw rocks in the water, roll down a hill, walk on a log or the curb (with help), listen to the birds.
* Pat the dog or cat. Have a snuggle from your mom or dad. Ask to have a story read to you.
* Have a small object like a wonderful stone, or a smooth colourful jewel that you can carry with you. Make a tiny doll (or person if this is a boy who feels he should not play with dolls) out of a stick or rolled paper and material. Whisper all your worries to this doll and put it under your pillow or carry it with you in your pocket. (this is called a Guatemalan worry doll. The legend is that moms make them for their children, and tell them to whisper one worry in each doll’s ear and the doll will take the worry away. I have used this with many children and it works)
* Massage your child’s back or feet. This can be very relaxing before bed.
* Make a tape of your child’s favorite story for them to listen to when you are busy. They will be comforted by your voice.
* Say prayers together. This is a wonderful time to chant prayers.
AGES 7-12
* Depending on the child, some of the above ideas may work until the child is quite old. I have, for example, used worry dolls with children who are 11 and 12, with good results. Remember that although children this age have very good language, they are still concrete thinkers. It is difficult for them to visualize things in their heads.
* Baking is fun and productive. It is also a good time to talk together. It is also nurturing and gives the child a sense of competency.
* Watch a funny movie, go window shopping - it’s fun to pretend that you each have $100.00 to spend, and choose what you would buy.
* Make certain that your child is involved with sports, or at least walk every day. Exercise is important.
* Have a service project outside of the home. It is important to think about others.
* Phone a friend, have a friend over or go to their house. Phone your Grandparents and talk with them about your worries.
* Make a tent. Take in your favorite things.
* Watch a candle burn (make certain that your child knows how to use candles safely or supervise)
* Help your child to make a worry tree. It can be out of poster board or a branch that he/she decorates. When worries are too much, encourage them to print/write the worries and hang them on the tree. If need be, they can pick them up in the morning or next week. It gives them a break. Or make a worry box with a lock and lock your worries up.
* Learn to take a few deep breaths because when people are worried, they often breathe shallowly; so do not get enough oxygen. This can increase the feeling of sadness or stress.
* Teach your child to change their negative thought patterns. Help them to find their gifts-their virtues, and to repeat them.
“I am courageous. I am stronger than these worries”
“ I am kind and gentle with my sister and my dog”
"I am helpful with my teacher and my parents”
“I can do this”, etc.
TEENS
This group is beginning to grow away from their parents. They are examining society's values and forging a path for their own future. Their peer group may be most important. And there is puberty with its confusing hormonal surges. This age group may try to hide the stress, because they feel like it is not grown up-especially boys.
They often like to talk while in the car-so they don’t have to look at you, or late at night when their homework is done and the house is quiet. Helping them to put their worries into perspective is crucial. If you jump in and solve the problem for them, they may stop talking to you. Ask questions like:
“What have you tried? How did it work?”
“What can I do to help?” “What do you need?”
“What’s the worst for you?” “What part of this can you handle right now?”
Tell them stories about others, or even stories of what worked for you - but know that they still have to choose their own way.
They still need hugs/cuddles, exercise, service projects, and special treats. They also need time for prayer and meditation.
WHEN TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL
If you have tried all of the above and your child is despondent for more than 3 weeks, you should consider seeking help. Some children are more sensitive than others, or they may have a genetic pre-disposition for anxiety or depression. No one wants their child on medication, but some do need it or sometimes a Mental Health Worker can give everyone some therapeutic hints.
Abdu’l-Baha said: “Children are even as a branch that is fresh and green; they will grow up in whatever way ye train them. Take the utmost care to give them high ideals and goals, so that once they come of age, they will cast their beams like brilliant candles on the world…” (Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu’l-Baha, p. 136)
The Universal House of Justice wrote in Baha’i Education, p. x of the preface: “The proper education of children is of vital importance to the progress of mankind, and the heart and essential foundation of all education is spiritual and moral training,…in our newborn children we are presented with souls, untarnished by the world. As they grow they will face countless tests and difficulties. From their earliest moments we have the duty to train them, both spiritually and materially, in the way that God has shown, and thus, as they come to adulthood, they can become champions of His Cause and spiritual and moral giants among mankind, equipped to meet all tests…”
We are so fortunate as Baha’is to have the Writings and the guidance of our beloved Universal House of Justice and our own Local Spiritual Assemblies. This is an ever-constant source of inspiration, guidance and help for every Baha’i. Don’t ever hesitate to use these resources set up by God for man in this day. How you conduct your own spiritual growth will be noticed and modeled by your children. And do enjoy this. Mine are all grown now, and although it was indeed difficult, I miss those special times.
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