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DEALING WITH ANGER AND HURT

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These notes are taken from "A Marriage Workshop", prepared by the Task Force for Family Life for the Continental Board of Counsellors in Europe, 1995.

"...let your adorning be forgiveness and mercy..." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 139)

Frustration, anger, and hurt can get in the way of co-operation, clear thinking, and communication. There are several steps that might be helpful in dealing with these feelings.

1. ADMITTING the feeling of frustration, hurt or anger. Being honest with ourselves is not easy if we believe the feelings to be all bad. It is easier if we see that such feelings are a warning that something is wrong. They have a story to tell that is often worth listening to.

2. REFUSING TO ACT UPON THE FIRST IMPULSE OF ANGER, FRUSTRATION OR HURT. Having a feeling and acting on it are two different things. Take "Three deep breaths" can be of help in separating the feeling and an immediate reaction that could be regretted later.

3. REFLECTING upon the feelings (when they are no longer so intense) by asking yourself such questions as: "What triggered (set off) this feeling? Did I feel misunderstood, unjustly treated, afraid, hurt, etc? It can be useful to ask: "Have I any typical patterns of feeling that get in the way of my relationships?"

If so, what can I do to change these patterns?

Reflection is difficult when feelings are intense. Later it may be possible to reflect and decide what to do next time. Perhaps consulting constructively with our partner will seem reasonable. Perhaps it will seem wiser to set the feelings aside. Physical activity can be a help in releasing pent up emotions. Other things can also be helpful - such as finding some higher purpose and realising that no one - (not even one's partner!) is perfect - "yet man must remember; the earth plane is a workshop and not an art gallery for the exhibition of powers. This is not the plane of perfection, but the earth is the crucible for refining and moulding character." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Star of West, Vol. 24, p. 350)

4. PRAYING has great power to dissolve troubling feelings. "Rely upon God, Trust in Him, Praise Him and call Him continually to mind. He verily turneth trouble into ease, and sorrow into solace, and toil into utter peace. He verily hath dominion over all things." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, 178)

5. FORGIVING. Sometimes the pain and anger have a just cause. When more reasonable action cannot right the wrong, forgiving may be the only option available. It is perhaps more important to forgive, if we are not to become prisoners of our own bitterness. It is helpful to spend some time in reflection on forgiveness and any obstacles (within) that stands in the way of forgiving."

6. LOOK WITH COMPASSION BEHIND THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS. Assume there is an understandable reason for the way another is acting. We can then try to be ' a healing salve unto his sores...' ('Abdu'-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'-Baha, p. 34). This may help to avoid acting in a defensive way. It might then be possible to react to the feeling behind the hurtful action.

Editor's notes: The last point #6, reminded me of this quote about The Greatest Holy Leaf, Bahiyyih Khanum, sister of 'Abdu'l-Baha and daughter of Baha'u'llah.

"You were sure that if one tried to hurt her she would wish to console him for his own cruelty. For her love was unconditioned, could penetrate disguise and see hunger behind the mask of fury, and she knew that the most brutal self is secretly hoping to find gentleness in another." (Marjory Morten, The Passing of Bahiyyih Khanum, The Baha'i World, Vol. 5, 1932-34)

I would also like to add two more important remedies for dealing with anger and hurt which are:

7. GRATITUDE. God sends us tests and difficult situations to teach us something essential for our growth and progress. By recognizing the problem as a test that God has lovingly given to us, it will be easier to accept them for our benefit and well being.

"Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity." (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings, p. 285)

"Those who suffer most, attain to the greatest perfection...Tests are benefits from God, for which we should thank Him. Grief and sorrow do not come to us by chance, they are sent to us by the Divine Mercy for our own perfecting.

While a man is happy he may forget his God; but when grief comes and sorrows overwhelm him, then will he remember his Father who is in Heaven, and who is able to deliver him from his humiliations.

Men who suffer not, attain no perfection. The plant most pruned by the gardeners is that one which, when the summer comes, will have the most beautiful blossoms and the most abundant fruit." (`Abdu'l-Baha,Paris Talks*, pp. 50-51)

8. PERFECTING OURSELVES We need to figure out what our mistakes/weaknesses are and then overcome them instead of focussing on others' faults. Here are a few examples from the Baha'i writings:

"Whenever you recognize the fault of another, think of yourself! What are my imperfections? - and try to remove them. Do this whenever you are tried through the words or deeds of others. Thus you will grow, become more perfect. You will overcome self, you will not even have time to think of the faults of others..." (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, August 13, 1980, Multiple Authors, Lights of Guidance, p. 90)

"The tongue I have designed for the mention of Me, defile it not with detraction. If the fire of self overcome you, remember your own faults and not the faults of My creatures, inasmuch as every one of you knoweth his own self better than he knoweth others." (Baha'u'llah, Persian Hidden Words, # 66)