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USING MUSIC TO HEAL A PREMATURE BABY
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This story is taken from "The Mozart Effect - Tapping the Power of Music to Heal the Body, Strengthen the Mind, and Unlock the Creative Spirit", 2001, Don Campbell, pp. 13 - 14.
"Weighing just over one-and-a-half pounds, Krissy was born prematurely in a Chicago hospital with a life-threatening condition. Doctors put her on total life support. Other than an occasional pat on the head, the only positive stimulation she received was from constant infusion of Mozart that her mother begged nurses to pipe into the neonatal unit. Doctors did not think Krissy would live; her mother believes that music saved her daughter's life. Krissy could not sit up at age one and did not walk until she was two. Her motor skills were poor, and she was anxious, introverted, and uncommunicative. Despite all this, at age three she tested far ahead of her years in abstract reasoning. One evening, her parents took Krissy to a short chamber music concert. For days afterwards, Krissy played with an empty tube from a paper towel roll, which she placed under her neck and 'bowed' with a chopstick. Enchanted, her mother enrolled Krissy in Suzuki violin lessons with Vicki Vorreiter in Chicago, and the four-year-old girl could immediately reproduce from memory pieces several levels beyond her physical ability. Over the next two years, her strength and coordination on the instrument began to catch up with her mental capacity. With the support and encouragement of her parents, teachers, and fellow students, who were trained to perform in a group spirit, Krissy stopped wringing her hands in fear and began to socialize. Through a combination of pluck and grace, the little girl who was born weighing less than her violin could now express herself - and be whole."
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"What a wonderful meeting this is! These are the children of the Kingdom. The song we have just listened to was very beautiful in melody and words. The art of music is divine and effective. It is the food of the soul and spirit. Through the power and charm of music the spirit of man is uplifted. It has wonderful sway and effect in the hearts of children, for their hearts are pure, and melodies have great influence in them. The latent talents with which the hearts of these children are endowed will find expression through the medium of music. Therefore, you must exert yourselves to make them proficient; teach them to sing with excellence and effect. It is incumbent upon each child to know something of music, for without knowledge of this art the melodies of instrument and voice cannot be rightly enjoyed. Likewise, it is necessary that the schools teach it in order that the souls and hearts of the pupils may become vivified and exhilarated and their lives be brightened with enjoyment." (Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 52)
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MUSIC AND HEALING
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By Terry Pratt, The Netherlands
As a musician turned sound healer, I would like to share some thoughts on the subject of sound healing which has not received the credibility which it deserves. The following summary of some of the different streams (impulses in the work) may give an idea of how I am endeavoring to incorporate it into my practice. I feel that this is a time in history when the book will be opened, and much ancient knowledge on healing is now being shared and brought to the west by people like Deepak Chopra, Mantak Chia and Ibrahim Karim and others. Sound healing is an old science while at the same time developing into a new one with potentials which have yet to be discovered.
Music played a central part in the culture and healing forms of all ancient tribal and folk traditions. The American Indians had special underground rooms in which they toned in preparation for healing rituals. Ibrahim Karim, an Egyptian architect who works with healing through specific forms, shapes and sounds says that the pyramids in Egypt were also used for this purpose. Listening to Gregorian choral, or Hildegaard van Bingen, also has a healing effect on the heart. As well, the Tibetan sound bowls have proven to have an amazing healing effect. What is the reason behind all of this?
Many traditions speak of sound as being the basis of creation. “In the beginning was the word, and the word was sound.” Frequencies called harmonics come from a fundamental or basis tone. These have qualities, which correspond with the stepping down process from energy into matter. The first harmonic, the octave, gives the space, or ether element, in which the creation can take place. The 2nd and 3rd harmonics form the fifth, and fourth intervals correspond to the yin and yang principle (sometimes referred to as masculine and feminine) - the two forces which interact thus creating the four elements: air, fire, water and earth. The four elements are represented in music by the 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th harmonics.
When there is a vibration, sound and form are created. One cannot exist without the other. From the smallest atom, to the planets, and the universe, there is vibration, and therefore sound and form in all of creation. Within our bodies, three basic rhythms exist: breathing, heart beat, and the cranial sacral rhythm. In addition, each organ and each system of the body has its own pattern of vibration. Surrounding the body, the energy system has also its own unique pattern. In the ayurvedic tradition, each chakra has its corresponding vowel sound, and note. When this is sounded, it activates the chakra into movement, and a form also emerges. Hans Jenny, MD, an anthroposophist, adherent of Rudolf Steiner, did extensive research concerning the effect that sound had upon form in the sixties. He took pictures of the results of playing tones to different materials as sand on a metal plate, on water and various other elements. Beautiful symmetric mandalas were formed, differing according to the pitch of the sound played. It was discovered that the old yantras, or mandalas, representing the chakras, 2000 years old in the ayurvedic tradition, corresponded exactly to the forms created by singing the sounds of the chakras. It is possible to change the crystal formations of water with music. Masaru Emoto has recently done extensive research on this. When one considers that the human body is made of 70% water, the possibilities of sound healing in the body can only be imagined. According to the ayurvedic tradition, all illness begins at the energy level, and by releasing blockages at this level, it can have an effect upon the physical body helping to bring it back into balance. When a person is in balance, he will not get sick.
It is a preventive way of medicine. By chanting vowel sounds, one activates the chakras, creating a positive force around ones body. M. Gaynor, an oncologist, has helped cure cancer patients by having them chant vowel sounds as a, e, i, o, and u. Ibrahim Karim has made a CD of silent vowel sounds corresponding to the chakras. The CD is being used by farmers in Holland on an experimental basis, to help restore the immune system of cows because when they have a strong immune system, then they would not be affected with the diseases such as hoof and mouth disease. The CD has had positive results.
All of creation is formed by energy. Energy is influenced by sound. The human body is made up of many different levels, what we see physically, as bones, muscles, lymph, blood, organs, and what we can not see, but which can be photographed with special cameras and computer programs. All of these different levels can be affected by different frequencies.
It is well known knowledge that a chandelier can be shattered by a singer singing a resonating pitch. It happens because the frequency goes into resonance with the object, and they begin to vibrate together. Using frequencies for healing follows these same principles. It is possible for example to change the energy of a weakened organ by introducing the corresponding frequency even to eradicating parasites by the use of resonating frequencies. Mantak Chia, a master in healing Tao from Thailand, uses healing sounds to activate the fascia surrounding various organs, as the lungs, kidneys, heart, liver, and spleen. According to his system, each organ has a different sound, and each organ responds to a different emotion. For example, if one is afraid, it is because the kidney energy is low, and if that is stimulated, it will lessen the fear. Changing the energy field around the organ, it can have a positive effect upon our emotional state.
Another example of sound-healing is the use of Tibetan Sound bowls. Tibetan sound bowls are made from several different metals. Each bowl is unique. The bowls produce several harmonic sounds simultaneously which resonate with one’s body. It creates a relaxing, soothing, stress releasing state in which the body balance is restored. Another aspect of sound healing is the use of mantras or chants. Different world traditions have used the repetition of short texts upon a melody, which has a very healing effect. In India, they have different ragas representing for example the different seasons and times of day. American Indian chants, Celtic songs, Rhineland mystics, Buddhist and Hindu, and Persian chants are all effective in their own way. Singing these chants creates a direct contact with ones emotions and feelings. Chanting Allah’u’Abha ('God is Most Glorious' - said by Baha'is) 95 times is also an example of a mantra.
Samuel Lewis, a Sufi, created in the 1960’s, Dances of Universal Peace, which are circle dances, whereby one sings a chant. The chants are taken from many different cultures and traditions, such as Jewish, Zoroastrian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, and American Indian. It is a pleasant group activity which helps people connect feelings and emotions and with each other. In Holland there are plans by the Baha'is to integrate these songs and dances into spiritual education for children of mixed cultures.
I have incorporated aspects of all the above in my practice. I give sound bowl and polarity massages. I use songs, dance, and tone with groups of people. This enables people to find their center, a feeling of peace within themselves. My own experimentation has led me to believe that SINGING Baha’i prayers can create the same effect as toning. Why is one emotionally moved when one hears the chanting of a Persian prayer much more so than when it is read? It has a healing effect upon all levels of our existence, the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It has a much deeper effect than reading them. INTONE, O MY SERVANTS…. are the words of Baha’u’llah. It is a way of healing ourselves, if we are open to it. Do not leave the chanting of prayers just to the Persians. Try it yourself, in your own language.
Sound healing is no substitute for medical care. When one is sick, it is imperative to go to a physician and be under medical treatment. It can be used as a supplement and as preventive medicine.
Please feel free to share your own experiments with me. I am interested in contacting with others who are doing this or related work. I feel very much a pioneer in this work. You can reach me at: t.pratt@hccnet.nl , after February 1st, tpratt@kabelfoon.nl
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Saturday 17 February 2007
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CHILDREN AND STRESS
**********************************
By Marilyn Carey
THE ROLE OF STRESS
These are very difficult times for children. It is difficult for them to have a perspective on the events of September 11th. Those who were watching television saw planes hit the towers all week long. For the younger children, it may seem as if this is happening over and over again, as they cannot understand replay. For youth, it reminds them over and over again that their world is not safe. Of course, children do take cues from the adults around them, and let's face it, although we know that it is necessary for aspects of the old world order to change, it is difficult to see suffering on a massive scale. We adults are also stressed.
Actually, stress is a normal part of our life. It helps us to be alert, be curious and keeps us energized for the task of the day. It also helps us to understand where we need to look at changing our ideas or routines. Every day children and youth deal with friendship issues, school pressures, parent expectations, sibling rivalry, disappointments, and demands from both the Baha’i and the secular community. Children may also have long term stressors like divorce, parents fighting, moving from a familiar school and community, death or social problems like having no friends.
Too much stress can lead to feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, a feeling of helplessness and an inability to make decisions. Long term stress can have a very real developmental impact on children, so we need to teach them effective strategies for dealing with their stress while they are young.
Parents are the best teachers/counsellors for their children. We live in an era that encourages referrals to outside agencies, but parents should usually handle this. They are the primary educator and the people/person who has the overview throughout the life span. It also helps develop the parent/child bond and helps with the authority of the parent. It is nice for the child or youth to know that their parent is wise. It does mean that the parent has to be present and watchful, but is this not part of our role as protector?
WHAT DOES TOO MUCH STRESS LOOK LIKE IN CHILDREN?
A younger child may have difficulty sleeping, may change their eating patterns, and may have toileting “slips” Under stress, it is very common for children to regress, particularly if it is a skill that they have recently learned. They may also have more tantrums or angry outbursts. It is impossible for young children to have the language to say “mom/dad, the events of this past month are just too much for me to handle”. Instead, they “blow up” or take it out on siblings or animals. Some may become very quiet. Just because kids don’t talk about bad things, does not mean that they are not experiencing stress.
Youth may also have behavior changes - trouble sleeping, comfort eating or not able to eat, staying out with their friends or self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Don’t let that adult body fool you. They have not had enough life experiences to feel confident that they are going to make the right decisions to get through the difficulty. They also may not know what is wrong, only that they feel depressed. Much of the time it is hard for them to discover which part of what is happening is giving them the stress.
They need more practice solving problems, before they become competent detectives. Above all, try not to be too hurt if they blame you for how they feel and help them put their stress into perspective.
Praise be to God! I see before me these beautiful children of the Kingdom. Their hearts are pure, their faces are shining. They shall soon become the sons and daughters of the Kingdom. Thanks be to God! They are seeking to acquire virtues and will be the cause of the attainment of the excellences of humanity. This is the cause of oneness in the Kingdom of God. Praise be to God! They have kind and revered teachers who train and educate them well and who long for confirmation in order that, God willing, like tender plants in the garden of God they may be refreshed by the downpour of the clouds of mercy, grow and become verdant. In the utmost perfection and delicacy may they at last bring forth fruit. I supplicate God that these children may be reared under His protection and that they may be nourished by His favor and grace until all, like beautiful flowers in the garden of human hopes and aspirations, shall blossom and become redolent of fragrance. ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, pp. 193-94)
IDEAS FOR BLASTING AWAY WORRIES
AGES 7 AND UNDER
* Create a safe zone - a place where no worries are allowed. It might be in your room, or a corner that you create together. This zone should have books with beautiful pictures; craft ideas ( gluing, colouring, play dough, felt pens, scissors, stapler, paper, water colours, magazine pictures for gluing, beading material, etc.); good music-either classical or upbeat music like Raffi or Red Grammer; stuffed animals.
* Play in water. This can mean a bubble bath, in the sink with a few toys or in the sink with a glass that has water and dish soap and a straw to blow bubbles. If it is warm outside, run through the sprinkler or paddle in a pool.
* Blow bubbles. It is so much fun.
* Go for a walk together - any form of exercise helps. Pick flowers, throw rocks in the water, roll down a hill, walk on a log or the curb (with help), listen to the birds.
* Pat the dog or cat. Have a snuggle from your mom or dad. Ask to have a story read to you.
* Have a small object like a wonderful stone, or a smooth colourful jewel that you can carry with you. Make a tiny doll (or person if this is a boy who feels he should not play with dolls) out of a stick or rolled paper and material. Whisper all your worries to this doll and put it under your pillow or carry it with you in your pocket. (this is called a Guatemalan worry doll. The legend is that moms make them for their children, and tell them to whisper one worry in each doll’s ear and the doll will take the worry away. I have used this with many children and it works)
* Massage your child’s back or feet. This can be very relaxing before bed.
* Make a tape of your child’s favorite story for them to listen to when you are busy. They will be comforted by your voice.
* Say prayers together. This is a wonderful time to chant prayers.
AGES 7-12
* Depending on the child, some of the above ideas may work until the child is quite old. I have, for example, used worry dolls with children who are 11 and 12, with good results. Remember that although children this age have very good language, they are still concrete thinkers. It is difficult for them to visualize things in their heads.
* Baking is fun and productive. It is also a good time to talk together. It is also nurturing and gives the child a sense of competency.
* Watch a funny movie, go window shopping - it’s fun to pretend that you each have $100.00 to spend, and choose what you would buy.
* Make certain that your child is involved with sports, or at least walk every day. Exercise is important.
* Have a service project outside of the home. It is important to think about others.
* Phone a friend, have a friend over or go to their house. Phone your Grandparents and talk with them about your worries.
* Make a tent. Take in your favorite things.
* Watch a candle burn (make certain that your child knows how to use candles safely or supervise)
* Help your child to make a worry tree. It can be out of poster board or a branch that he/she decorates. When worries are too much, encourage them to print/write the worries and hang them on the tree. If need be, they can pick them up in the morning or next week. It gives them a break. Or make a worry box with a lock and lock your worries up.
* Learn to take a few deep breaths because when people are worried, they often breathe shallowly; so do not get enough oxygen. This can increase the feeling of sadness or stress.
* Teach your child to change their negative thought patterns. Help them to find their gifts-their virtues, and to repeat them.
“I am courageous. I am stronger than these worries”
“ I am kind and gentle with my sister and my dog”
"I am helpful with my teacher and my parents”
“I can do this”, etc.
TEENS
This group is beginning to grow away from their parents. They are examining society's values and forging a path for their own future. Their peer group may be most important. And there is puberty with its confusing hormonal surges. This age group may try to hide the stress, because they feel like it is not grown up-especially boys.
They often like to talk while in the car-so they don’t have to look at you, or late at night when their homework is done and the house is quiet. Helping them to put their worries into perspective is crucial. If you jump in and solve the problem for them, they may stop talking to you. Ask questions like:
“What have you tried? How did it work?”
“What can I do to help?” “What do you need?”
“What’s the worst for you?” “What part of this can you handle right now?”
Tell them stories about others, or even stories of what worked for you - but know that they still have to choose their own way.
They still need hugs/cuddles, exercise, service projects, and special treats. They also need time for prayer and meditation.
WHEN TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL
If you have tried all of the above and your child is despondent for more than 3 weeks, you should consider seeking help. Some children are more sensitive than others, or they may have a genetic pre-disposition for anxiety or depression. No one wants their child on medication, but some do need it or sometimes a Mental Health Worker can give everyone some therapeutic hints.
Abdu’l-Baha said: “Children are even as a branch that is fresh and green; they will grow up in whatever way ye train them. Take the utmost care to give them high ideals and goals, so that once they come of age, they will cast their beams like brilliant candles on the world…” (Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu’l-Baha, p. 136)
The Universal House of Justice wrote in Baha’i Education, p. x of the preface: “The proper education of children is of vital importance to the progress of mankind, and the heart and essential foundation of all education is spiritual and moral training,…in our newborn children we are presented with souls, untarnished by the world. As they grow they will face countless tests and difficulties. From their earliest moments we have the duty to train them, both spiritually and materially, in the way that God has shown, and thus, as they come to adulthood, they can become champions of His Cause and spiritual and moral giants among mankind, equipped to meet all tests…”
We are so fortunate as Baha’is to have the Writings and the guidance of our beloved Universal House of Justice and our own Local Spiritual Assemblies. This is an ever-constant source of inspiration, guidance and help for every Baha’i. Don’t ever hesitate to use these resources set up by God for man in this day. How you conduct your own spiritual growth will be noticed and modeled by your children. And do enjoy this. Mine are all grown now, and although it was indeed difficult, I miss those special times.
********************************************
CHILDREN AND STRESS
**********************************
By Marilyn Carey
THE ROLE OF STRESS
These are very difficult times for children. It is difficult for them to have a perspective on the events of September 11th. Those who were watching television saw planes hit the towers all week long. For the younger children, it may seem as if this is happening over and over again, as they cannot understand replay. For youth, it reminds them over and over again that their world is not safe. Of course, children do take cues from the adults around them, and let's face it, although we know that it is necessary for aspects of the old world order to change, it is difficult to see suffering on a massive scale. We adults are also stressed.
Actually, stress is a normal part of our life. It helps us to be alert, be curious and keeps us energized for the task of the day. It also helps us to understand where we need to look at changing our ideas or routines. Every day children and youth deal with friendship issues, school pressures, parent expectations, sibling rivalry, disappointments, and demands from both the Baha’i and the secular community. Children may also have long term stressors like divorce, parents fighting, moving from a familiar school and community, death or social problems like having no friends.
Too much stress can lead to feelings of insecurity, low self esteem, a feeling of helplessness and an inability to make decisions. Long term stress can have a very real developmental impact on children, so we need to teach them effective strategies for dealing with their stress while they are young.
Parents are the best teachers/counsellors for their children. We live in an era that encourages referrals to outside agencies, but parents should usually handle this. They are the primary educator and the people/person who has the overview throughout the life span. It also helps develop the parent/child bond and helps with the authority of the parent. It is nice for the child or youth to know that their parent is wise. It does mean that the parent has to be present and watchful, but is this not part of our role as protector?
WHAT DOES TOO MUCH STRESS LOOK LIKE IN CHILDREN?
A younger child may have difficulty sleeping, may change their eating patterns, and may have toileting “slips” Under stress, it is very common for children to regress, particularly if it is a skill that they have recently learned. They may also have more tantrums or angry outbursts. It is impossible for young children to have the language to say “mom/dad, the events of this past month are just too much for me to handle”. Instead, they “blow up” or take it out on siblings or animals. Some may become very quiet. Just because kids don’t talk about bad things, does not mean that they are not experiencing stress.
Youth may also have behavior changes - trouble sleeping, comfort eating or not able to eat, staying out with their friends or self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. Don’t let that adult body fool you. They have not had enough life experiences to feel confident that they are going to make the right decisions to get through the difficulty. They also may not know what is wrong, only that they feel depressed. Much of the time it is hard for them to discover which part of what is happening is giving them the stress.
They need more practice solving problems, before they become competent detectives. Above all, try not to be too hurt if they blame you for how they feel and help them put their stress into perspective.
Praise be to God! I see before me these beautiful children of the Kingdom. Their hearts are pure, their faces are shining. They shall soon become the sons and daughters of the Kingdom. Thanks be to God! They are seeking to acquire virtues and will be the cause of the attainment of the excellences of humanity. This is the cause of oneness in the Kingdom of God. Praise be to God! They have kind and revered teachers who train and educate them well and who long for confirmation in order that, God willing, like tender plants in the garden of God they may be refreshed by the downpour of the clouds of mercy, grow and become verdant. In the utmost perfection and delicacy may they at last bring forth fruit. I supplicate God that these children may be reared under His protection and that they may be nourished by His favor and grace until all, like beautiful flowers in the garden of human hopes and aspirations, shall blossom and become redolent of fragrance. ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, pp. 193-94)
IDEAS FOR BLASTING AWAY WORRIES
AGES 7 AND UNDER
* Create a safe zone - a place where no worries are allowed. It might be in your room, or a corner that you create together. This zone should have books with beautiful pictures; craft ideas ( gluing, colouring, play dough, felt pens, scissors, stapler, paper, water colours, magazine pictures for gluing, beading material, etc.); good music-either classical or upbeat music like Raffi or Red Grammer; stuffed animals.
* Play in water. This can mean a bubble bath, in the sink with a few toys or in the sink with a glass that has water and dish soap and a straw to blow bubbles. If it is warm outside, run through the sprinkler or paddle in a pool.
* Blow bubbles. It is so much fun.
* Go for a walk together - any form of exercise helps. Pick flowers, throw rocks in the water, roll down a hill, walk on a log or the curb (with help), listen to the birds.
* Pat the dog or cat. Have a snuggle from your mom or dad. Ask to have a story read to you.
* Have a small object like a wonderful stone, or a smooth colourful jewel that you can carry with you. Make a tiny doll (or person if this is a boy who feels he should not play with dolls) out of a stick or rolled paper and material. Whisper all your worries to this doll and put it under your pillow or carry it with you in your pocket. (this is called a Guatemalan worry doll. The legend is that moms make them for their children, and tell them to whisper one worry in each doll’s ear and the doll will take the worry away. I have used this with many children and it works)
* Massage your child’s back or feet. This can be very relaxing before bed.
* Make a tape of your child’s favorite story for them to listen to when you are busy. They will be comforted by your voice.
* Say prayers together. This is a wonderful time to chant prayers.
AGES 7-12
* Depending on the child, some of the above ideas may work until the child is quite old. I have, for example, used worry dolls with children who are 11 and 12, with good results. Remember that although children this age have very good language, they are still concrete thinkers. It is difficult for them to visualize things in their heads.
* Baking is fun and productive. It is also a good time to talk together. It is also nurturing and gives the child a sense of competency.
* Watch a funny movie, go window shopping - it’s fun to pretend that you each have $100.00 to spend, and choose what you would buy.
* Make certain that your child is involved with sports, or at least walk every day. Exercise is important.
* Have a service project outside of the home. It is important to think about others.
* Phone a friend, have a friend over or go to their house. Phone your Grandparents and talk with them about your worries.
* Make a tent. Take in your favorite things.
* Watch a candle burn (make certain that your child knows how to use candles safely or supervise)
* Help your child to make a worry tree. It can be out of poster board or a branch that he/she decorates. When worries are too much, encourage them to print/write the worries and hang them on the tree. If need be, they can pick them up in the morning or next week. It gives them a break. Or make a worry box with a lock and lock your worries up.
* Learn to take a few deep breaths because when people are worried, they often breathe shallowly; so do not get enough oxygen. This can increase the feeling of sadness or stress.
* Teach your child to change their negative thought patterns. Help them to find their gifts-their virtues, and to repeat them.
“I am courageous. I am stronger than these worries”
“ I am kind and gentle with my sister and my dog”
"I am helpful with my teacher and my parents”
“I can do this”, etc.
TEENS
This group is beginning to grow away from their parents. They are examining society's values and forging a path for their own future. Their peer group may be most important. And there is puberty with its confusing hormonal surges. This age group may try to hide the stress, because they feel like it is not grown up-especially boys.
They often like to talk while in the car-so they don’t have to look at you, or late at night when their homework is done and the house is quiet. Helping them to put their worries into perspective is crucial. If you jump in and solve the problem for them, they may stop talking to you. Ask questions like:
“What have you tried? How did it work?”
“What can I do to help?” “What do you need?”
“What’s the worst for you?” “What part of this can you handle right now?”
Tell them stories about others, or even stories of what worked for you - but know that they still have to choose their own way.
They still need hugs/cuddles, exercise, service projects, and special treats. They also need time for prayer and meditation.
WHEN TO CALL A PROFESSIONAL
If you have tried all of the above and your child is despondent for more than 3 weeks, you should consider seeking help. Some children are more sensitive than others, or they may have a genetic pre-disposition for anxiety or depression. No one wants their child on medication, but some do need it or sometimes a Mental Health Worker can give everyone some therapeutic hints.
Abdu’l-Baha said: “Children are even as a branch that is fresh and green; they will grow up in whatever way ye train them. Take the utmost care to give them high ideals and goals, so that once they come of age, they will cast their beams like brilliant candles on the world…” (Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu’l-Baha, p. 136)
The Universal House of Justice wrote in Baha’i Education, p. x of the preface: “The proper education of children is of vital importance to the progress of mankind, and the heart and essential foundation of all education is spiritual and moral training,…in our newborn children we are presented with souls, untarnished by the world. As they grow they will face countless tests and difficulties. From their earliest moments we have the duty to train them, both spiritually and materially, in the way that God has shown, and thus, as they come to adulthood, they can become champions of His Cause and spiritual and moral giants among mankind, equipped to meet all tests…”
We are so fortunate as Baha’is to have the Writings and the guidance of our beloved Universal House of Justice and our own Local Spiritual Assemblies. This is an ever-constant source of inspiration, guidance and help for every Baha’i. Don’t ever hesitate to use these resources set up by God for man in this day. How you conduct your own spiritual growth will be noticed and modeled by your children. And do enjoy this. Mine are all grown now, and although it was indeed difficult, I miss those special times.
********************************************
************************************
MY FATHER'S PASSING
************************************
By Gayle Hoover Thorne, California, United States
Ruhiyyih Khanum asked that my father, Wayne Hoover, go on a teaching trip to the Caribbean Islands. This was some time in the fall of 1978. The reason she asked him to go was that he had been an ordained Methodist minister prior to becoming a Baha'i and she felt that his background suited him particularly well to the heavily Christian population of the Caribbean Islands.
Dad was quite weak by the time he readied to leave so he took with him a young Baha'i from Gorham, Maine. Paul Rourke accompanied Dad and tended to whatever needs Dad had.
The two of them went to a couple of the islands before they came to St. Lucia where friends of my father lived. Frank and Pat Paccassi were pioneers on that island.
Dad went on TV and radio, told the people there about Baha'u'llah, about the Faith, told them he had cancer and said that he was going to die and that he hoped he would die there. He died the very next day. The islanders were amazed and moved, even more so when they learned that he would be buried there!
When my father left to go on this teaching trip, I never saw him again. I knew, however, that I would have a dream about him. I waited and waited. Six weeks later I had the following dream...
Dad came into the room wearing his white London Fog overcoat. His face looked ruddy and he went to his dresser to empty his pockets there. The dresser top was bare. In real life his dresser top was so littered with things that if one set a matchbook down on the wrong place, the whole pile would shimmy to the floor.
I looked at Dad and said, "You're supposed to be DEAD (and gone)" and he smiled sideways at me and replied, "I AM, but only when I CHOOSE to be". Then I approached him and gave him a better hug than I'd ever given him in real life. While I was hugging him, I felt the connection. This was MY father. The pull on my heart was great. I whispered into his ear, "What's it like?" Then, realizing that perhaps I shouldn't know the details I whispered, "Just give me a little clue".
Dad waited so long to respond that I thought he hadn't heard me. Then he said, "It's like an infinite tenderness for the Almighty". I woke up just knowing I'd been with him.
**************************************
THE DEATH OF A HUSBAND
**************************************
by Phoebe Anne Lemmon, Quebec, Canada
A ruptured appendix, followed by an eight-month battle with peritonitis, proved fatal for my first husband, the father of my three children, who were two, six, and seven at the time of his death.
We had not spoken about death during his illness, and, indeed, I never even entertained the thought. I settled into a routine of being at home during the morning until after lunch, having a babysitter in the afternoon while I was at the hospital, returning home to have supper with the children and oversee bedtime, and going back to the hospital for an evening visit while a different friend stayed with the children. These memories are almost thirty-five years old so might not be totally accurate, but I’m sure they’re not far off.
The night my husband died I received the call just a few minutes after having returned home from my evening visit. I had known when I left him that he was very weak and that a nurse would be with him during the night. If I had realized that he was actually leaving this life, I would have stayed with him, of course. I honestly believe, as I came to believe in the days following his death, that during his illness my emotions had gone into some sort of protective mode, so I did not contemplate life without him. I lived very much in the present.
Perhaps at a subconscious level I was dealing with what was happening and preparing for the outcome because I really did not grieve a great deal. I relied on Baha’u’llah’s words that He had “made death a messenger of joy to thee”. The day of my husband’s funeral I felt a warm glow at the centre of my being that spread throughout my entire body. After the funeral a neighbor who was not a Baha’i said to my sister, who was also not a Baha’i, “Your sister looked radiant today. She was a living example of her faith”! And I know the Faith is what sustained me during the hard times.
Although I feel that I fared quite well myself, I am not so sure that I did the best for my children. This was in the days when one did not take children to a funeral and mine stayed with a neighbor (with whose children they often played) who could not handle funerals and had offered to look after them. I had told them the very next morning after his death that Daddy had died the previous evening and tried to assure them that he was no longer sick and in pain, but I do not know what needs they had that they did not express and that I did not recognize. With grief, as with any other experience we have in life, our best recourse is total reliance on the guidance in the Writings.
************************************************************
THE COMFORT OF FAMILY MEMBERS
DURING THE DEATH OF MY SISTER-IN-LAW
************************************************************
By Johnson Maxey
In October 1991, my sister-in-law, still four months short of her thirty-ninth birthday, died of a heart attack (heart problems run in her family.) This stunned all of us and hurt us deeply since we had felt Mary Jane as a close family member, probably almost from the time when she began seeing my brother in 1970.
I learned the value of spending three days in the company of my immediate family and Mary Jane's, to grieve together. This must have made us feel comfortable with our feelings of loss. I think that the collective memory of her made her seem nearly present. I don't recall any time when so many people cried, and that felt good.
One of Mary Jane's sisters had the excellent idea for each of us writing something about Jane--memories of what she meant to us. The sister with excellent handwriting compiled them and gave them to the minister conducting the funeral service. He read them as a eulogy, probably the most fitting that one could have. Tears flowed again. I hope that you can find some significance in my experience.
*********************************************
NO REAL SEPARATION BETWEEN
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
*********************************************
By Frances Mezei, Ontario, Canada (This article first appeared in "Parenting in the New World Order", Volume 1, Issue #9, 1992)
It has been my good fortune to have had a special mother who taught me how to listen to love. She planted loving seeds in me which were kindly watered, nurtured and cared for and continues to do so from the other world. My mother departed to the other world back in 1977 when I was nineteen years old after a nine year struggle with a brain tumor. Watching her deal with her illness was at times very painful and yet very natural. She had an amazingly enduring strength and every time I would visit her at the hospital, she would smile at me and continue to give me deep love. And yet, I watched her undergo tremendous physical pain, lose her balance causing her at times to fall, lose her hair, lose her memory and other bodily functions. Her greatest sacrifice was giving me her uniquely human gift of speech which she herself lost from time to time during her illness. I should mention that my mother helped me overcome a profound hearing loss and she taught me lipreading and listening skills.
At my mother's funeral, my dear father read the most precious description about my mother. I would be honoured to share with you the last line which I treasure the most. "She will remain alive in all of us. She always requested: "Please pray for me and remember me.' I am sure we all will."
When I was young, I had no concept of God or understanding of the power of prayer. Whenever, my mother asked me to pray for her, I thought she was talking nonsense. I felt that my mother was taken away from me forever and I would never see her again. It was a dead feeling and I felt as though I had just entered a deep, dark and black void...
Twelve years later after being strongly guided and working hard to develop my spirituality, I discovered that God exists. Soon after this miracle, I began to pray and for one whole month during my mother's anniversary of the time of her death in January 1989, I prayed and prayed for her each day. I have never felt happier and it was amazing to have thought that I was at last fulfilling my mother's request to me to please pray for her. Very soon after this, I became a Baha'i. Now, I feel that she is very happy and is growing spiritually in the other world. We continue to pray for each other, provide inner strength and our special love continues to bloom. I am now at peace for I was enriched by her motherly love which lasts eternally.
"In the next world, man will find himself freed from many of the disabilities under which he now suffers. Those who have passed on through death have a sphere of their own. It is not removed from ours; their work, the work of the kingdom, is ours; but it is sanctified from what we call 'time and place.' Time with us is measured by the sun. When there is no more sunrise, and no more sunset, that kind of time does not exist for man. Those who have ascended have different attributes from those who are still on earth, yet there is no real separation. In prayer there is a mingling of station, a mingling of condition. Pray for them as they pray for you!" ('Abdu'l-Baha, 'Abdu'l-Baha in London, pp. 95-96)
*******************************************************************
PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS TO DEAL WITH GRIEF
*******************************************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Darkest Hour: How Suffering Begins the Journey to Wisdom" by Kathleen A Brettony, PhD, pp. 206-07
1. When you are in the wake of a great loss, recognize and acknowledge that you are grieving. Some characteristic feelings you may experience are: shock, denial, anger, sadness, anxiety, emptiness. Allow yourself to feel these fully. Have patience with yourself as your broken heart heals.
2. Let yourself feel the pain. Give in to it. Accept that grief's emotions come in waves, in cycles. Let yourself cry. Viktor Frankl reminds us that tears are no cause for shame. " For tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer," he wrote. Many people have told me that they were afraid to cry for fear that the tears would never stop. I can only tell you that, after more than twenty years of working with grieving people and suffering grief myself, I have never seen that happen. If the tears go unshed, however, the fear of their torment can continue until they are released.
3. Express your sorrow. Talk about your grief. Write about your feelings in a journal. Express your sadness through art of any kind. Paint, dance, sculpt, write, or sing into the world. Release the pressure of the pain and don't be ashamed to let it out.
4. Forgive yourself for all the things you think you should have done or wish you had said and didn't. Let go of your regrets. However, pay attention to what you wish you had done and let your grief about chances lost impel you to change now and in the future. Show your feelings to others you love. Let grief help you to treasure each moment you have. Let it encourage you to express your tenderness but forgive yourself for what you cannot change.
5. Take care of yourself. Maintain a balanced diet and good exercise habits. Take care of your physical body. Meditate. Grief is exhausting and we often get distracted from our normal routines when it visits us. When you're grieving is a particularly good time to become very committed to caring for yourself.
6. Find diversions. Although it is important to sit with your grief - doing nothing but experiencing "what is" - it is also necessary to take some breaks from it. Go out to a lighthearted movie with a friend. Be frivolous. Have fun.
7. Be aware of "anniversary reactions" and know that certain, special days are likely to be particularly tough ones for you, especially in the early days of grief. Plan activities that commemorate your loss. It will ease your pain. Some feelings of loss will be triggered throughout your life by a wide array of reminders. These can be all kinds of sights, sounds, smells, and events that recall your loss. If grief is not fully worked through, if most of it lies beneath the surface in the underworld of the unconscious, these triggers can engender major psychological reactions rather than a passing feeling of loss or nostalgia. Be aware of the intensity of your responses to these memories. If you break down completely when something triggers a memory of a lost loved one, explore ways to mourn your loss more consciously.
8. Get help if you need it. Be aware that sadness can turn into depression. There are many resources that you can turn to for help: a therapist who specializes in grief, bereavement groups, or support groups for people who are going through divorce or the loss of a career.
9. Help others. Nothing puts our own grief in perspective as much as helping others who are struggling with their own sorrow. Volunteer and share with others your experiences. Listen to theirs. Find the healing that this simple transaction brings.
*********************************************
GUIDELINES TO HELP A CHILD
THROUGH GRIEF
*********************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Funeral" which is a resource guide to the practical and emotional issues, pp. 29 -30. Prepared by J.B. Marlatt Funeral Homes Ltd, Dundas, Ontario, Canada.
a) As soon as possible after death, set time aside to talk to the child.
b) Give the child the facts in a simple manner - be careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up in his or her mind.
c) If you can't answer their questions, it's OK to say "I don't know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us".
d) Use the correct language - say the words "dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as, "He's sleeping...", or "God took her...", or "He went away...".
e) Ask questions. "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?" "What do you think has happened?"
f) Explain your feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness and to share our feelings with them.
g) Use the given name of the decreased when speaking of him or her.
h) Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child. Speak to that level.
i) Talk about feelings, such as angry, sad, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing to die too, etc.
j) Read a book on death to your child. Also, read a book on childhood grief so you have a better understanding of what they may be experiencing.
k) Talk about the visitation period and funeral. Explain what happens there and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of your family.
l) Think about ways that a child can say goodbye to the decreased, such as writing a letter, poem, drawing a picture, etc.
m) Talk to your child about your religious beliefs, and what happens to people after they die.
n) Invite your child to come back to you if he or she has more questions or has heard rumors so that you can help him or her to get the correct information.
o) Talk about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.
p) Watch out for "bad dreams" - are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams: they are a way to discharge stress.
q) Watch for behaviour changes in your child - if they are cause for concern, seek professional help.
r) Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who had died.
s) Sudden death, violent death and the death of a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep, appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.
--------------------------------------
By Cindy Catches, South Dakota, United States
I just read the November issue, Volume 5, Issue #3, about dealing with grief which made me think of a story about a death that is very precious to me. I lost my brother when I was sixteen in a car accident. It was devastating to me as he was nineteen and my father figure. About two weeks after I had lost him, he came to me in a dream. He took me with him. He showed me the beautiful place that he was at and for me not to be sad. He was so happy. It helped me and from then on, he was always helping me. When I was about 25 years old, after a nine year search, I found the Baha'i Faith. I read a quote by Abdu'l-Baha which describes the loss of a young person like a loving Gardener seeing a plant that was not doing well in a certain place (that was my brother) and the gardener doesn't take the plant out and throw it away. He lovingly transplants the plant in an area that it can grow and develop better. Yes, this had been just what my brother had shown me. Now that I had the Faith, I knew that I could let my brother go so he could grow even better.
After many years had gone by, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was very concerned about it. I said a prayer to my brother "Oh, how I wish you were here to help me with this decision. I need your wisdom." I expected him to come to me in a dream as I had asked him to help me with a dream. But nothing came. So I just let go and knew that I would do what I had to do. One morning my best girl friend called me to come over. She said that something so scary had happened to her. She said "your brother came to me last night in a dream and that she doesn't even know my brother! He said to tell you that you did the right thing and not to worry about it. Do you know what he was talking about?" I said that I did and told her what I had done. My friend is someone who doesn't like spiritual things, they scare her and she doesn't even talk about them. She said "don't ever do that again, it scared me so that I woke up crying and my husband had to help me go back to sleep." For a while I wondered why he came to her and not me and then it was so clear. You see, this decision was one I would guilt about all my life and yet, I knew if I did not do it, I would die. This way, I am more gentle with myself, I know in a clearer way, that I did the right thing for me.
*****************
MY FATHER'S PASSING
************************************
By Gayle Hoover Thorne, California, United States
Ruhiyyih Khanum asked that my father, Wayne Hoover, go on a teaching trip to the Caribbean Islands. This was some time in the fall of 1978. The reason she asked him to go was that he had been an ordained Methodist minister prior to becoming a Baha'i and she felt that his background suited him particularly well to the heavily Christian population of the Caribbean Islands.
Dad was quite weak by the time he readied to leave so he took with him a young Baha'i from Gorham, Maine. Paul Rourke accompanied Dad and tended to whatever needs Dad had.
The two of them went to a couple of the islands before they came to St. Lucia where friends of my father lived. Frank and Pat Paccassi were pioneers on that island.
Dad went on TV and radio, told the people there about Baha'u'llah, about the Faith, told them he had cancer and said that he was going to die and that he hoped he would die there. He died the very next day. The islanders were amazed and moved, even more so when they learned that he would be buried there!
When my father left to go on this teaching trip, I never saw him again. I knew, however, that I would have a dream about him. I waited and waited. Six weeks later I had the following dream...
Dad came into the room wearing his white London Fog overcoat. His face looked ruddy and he went to his dresser to empty his pockets there. The dresser top was bare. In real life his dresser top was so littered with things that if one set a matchbook down on the wrong place, the whole pile would shimmy to the floor.
I looked at Dad and said, "You're supposed to be DEAD (and gone)" and he smiled sideways at me and replied, "I AM, but only when I CHOOSE to be". Then I approached him and gave him a better hug than I'd ever given him in real life. While I was hugging him, I felt the connection. This was MY father. The pull on my heart was great. I whispered into his ear, "What's it like?" Then, realizing that perhaps I shouldn't know the details I whispered, "Just give me a little clue".
Dad waited so long to respond that I thought he hadn't heard me. Then he said, "It's like an infinite tenderness for the Almighty". I woke up just knowing I'd been with him.
**************************************
THE DEATH OF A HUSBAND
**************************************
by Phoebe Anne Lemmon, Quebec, Canada
A ruptured appendix, followed by an eight-month battle with peritonitis, proved fatal for my first husband, the father of my three children, who were two, six, and seven at the time of his death.
We had not spoken about death during his illness, and, indeed, I never even entertained the thought. I settled into a routine of being at home during the morning until after lunch, having a babysitter in the afternoon while I was at the hospital, returning home to have supper with the children and oversee bedtime, and going back to the hospital for an evening visit while a different friend stayed with the children. These memories are almost thirty-five years old so might not be totally accurate, but I’m sure they’re not far off.
The night my husband died I received the call just a few minutes after having returned home from my evening visit. I had known when I left him that he was very weak and that a nurse would be with him during the night. If I had realized that he was actually leaving this life, I would have stayed with him, of course. I honestly believe, as I came to believe in the days following his death, that during his illness my emotions had gone into some sort of protective mode, so I did not contemplate life without him. I lived very much in the present.
Perhaps at a subconscious level I was dealing with what was happening and preparing for the outcome because I really did not grieve a great deal. I relied on Baha’u’llah’s words that He had “made death a messenger of joy to thee”. The day of my husband’s funeral I felt a warm glow at the centre of my being that spread throughout my entire body. After the funeral a neighbor who was not a Baha’i said to my sister, who was also not a Baha’i, “Your sister looked radiant today. She was a living example of her faith”! And I know the Faith is what sustained me during the hard times.
Although I feel that I fared quite well myself, I am not so sure that I did the best for my children. This was in the days when one did not take children to a funeral and mine stayed with a neighbor (with whose children they often played) who could not handle funerals and had offered to look after them. I had told them the very next morning after his death that Daddy had died the previous evening and tried to assure them that he was no longer sick and in pain, but I do not know what needs they had that they did not express and that I did not recognize. With grief, as with any other experience we have in life, our best recourse is total reliance on the guidance in the Writings.
************************************************************
THE COMFORT OF FAMILY MEMBERS
DURING THE DEATH OF MY SISTER-IN-LAW
************************************************************
By Johnson Maxey
In October 1991, my sister-in-law, still four months short of her thirty-ninth birthday, died of a heart attack (heart problems run in her family.) This stunned all of us and hurt us deeply since we had felt Mary Jane as a close family member, probably almost from the time when she began seeing my brother in 1970.
I learned the value of spending three days in the company of my immediate family and Mary Jane's, to grieve together. This must have made us feel comfortable with our feelings of loss. I think that the collective memory of her made her seem nearly present. I don't recall any time when so many people cried, and that felt good.
One of Mary Jane's sisters had the excellent idea for each of us writing something about Jane--memories of what she meant to us. The sister with excellent handwriting compiled them and gave them to the minister conducting the funeral service. He read them as a eulogy, probably the most fitting that one could have. Tears flowed again. I hope that you can find some significance in my experience.
*********************************************
NO REAL SEPARATION BETWEEN
MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
*********************************************
By Frances Mezei, Ontario, Canada (This article first appeared in "Parenting in the New World Order", Volume 1, Issue #9, 1992)
It has been my good fortune to have had a special mother who taught me how to listen to love. She planted loving seeds in me which were kindly watered, nurtured and cared for and continues to do so from the other world. My mother departed to the other world back in 1977 when I was nineteen years old after a nine year struggle with a brain tumor. Watching her deal with her illness was at times very painful and yet very natural. She had an amazingly enduring strength and every time I would visit her at the hospital, she would smile at me and continue to give me deep love. And yet, I watched her undergo tremendous physical pain, lose her balance causing her at times to fall, lose her hair, lose her memory and other bodily functions. Her greatest sacrifice was giving me her uniquely human gift of speech which she herself lost from time to time during her illness. I should mention that my mother helped me overcome a profound hearing loss and she taught me lipreading and listening skills.
At my mother's funeral, my dear father read the most precious description about my mother. I would be honoured to share with you the last line which I treasure the most. "She will remain alive in all of us. She always requested: "Please pray for me and remember me.' I am sure we all will."
When I was young, I had no concept of God or understanding of the power of prayer. Whenever, my mother asked me to pray for her, I thought she was talking nonsense. I felt that my mother was taken away from me forever and I would never see her again. It was a dead feeling and I felt as though I had just entered a deep, dark and black void...
Twelve years later after being strongly guided and working hard to develop my spirituality, I discovered that God exists. Soon after this miracle, I began to pray and for one whole month during my mother's anniversary of the time of her death in January 1989, I prayed and prayed for her each day. I have never felt happier and it was amazing to have thought that I was at last fulfilling my mother's request to me to please pray for her. Very soon after this, I became a Baha'i. Now, I feel that she is very happy and is growing spiritually in the other world. We continue to pray for each other, provide inner strength and our special love continues to bloom. I am now at peace for I was enriched by her motherly love which lasts eternally.
"In the next world, man will find himself freed from many of the disabilities under which he now suffers. Those who have passed on through death have a sphere of their own. It is not removed from ours; their work, the work of the kingdom, is ours; but it is sanctified from what we call 'time and place.' Time with us is measured by the sun. When there is no more sunrise, and no more sunset, that kind of time does not exist for man. Those who have ascended have different attributes from those who are still on earth, yet there is no real separation. In prayer there is a mingling of station, a mingling of condition. Pray for them as they pray for you!" ('Abdu'l-Baha, 'Abdu'l-Baha in London, pp. 95-96)
*******************************************************************
PRACTICAL SUGGESTIONS TO DEAL WITH GRIEF
*******************************************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Darkest Hour: How Suffering Begins the Journey to Wisdom" by Kathleen A Brettony, PhD, pp. 206-07
1. When you are in the wake of a great loss, recognize and acknowledge that you are grieving. Some characteristic feelings you may experience are: shock, denial, anger, sadness, anxiety, emptiness. Allow yourself to feel these fully. Have patience with yourself as your broken heart heals.
2. Let yourself feel the pain. Give in to it. Accept that grief's emotions come in waves, in cycles. Let yourself cry. Viktor Frankl reminds us that tears are no cause for shame. " For tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer," he wrote. Many people have told me that they were afraid to cry for fear that the tears would never stop. I can only tell you that, after more than twenty years of working with grieving people and suffering grief myself, I have never seen that happen. If the tears go unshed, however, the fear of their torment can continue until they are released.
3. Express your sorrow. Talk about your grief. Write about your feelings in a journal. Express your sadness through art of any kind. Paint, dance, sculpt, write, or sing into the world. Release the pressure of the pain and don't be ashamed to let it out.
4. Forgive yourself for all the things you think you should have done or wish you had said and didn't. Let go of your regrets. However, pay attention to what you wish you had done and let your grief about chances lost impel you to change now and in the future. Show your feelings to others you love. Let grief help you to treasure each moment you have. Let it encourage you to express your tenderness but forgive yourself for what you cannot change.
5. Take care of yourself. Maintain a balanced diet and good exercise habits. Take care of your physical body. Meditate. Grief is exhausting and we often get distracted from our normal routines when it visits us. When you're grieving is a particularly good time to become very committed to caring for yourself.
6. Find diversions. Although it is important to sit with your grief - doing nothing but experiencing "what is" - it is also necessary to take some breaks from it. Go out to a lighthearted movie with a friend. Be frivolous. Have fun.
7. Be aware of "anniversary reactions" and know that certain, special days are likely to be particularly tough ones for you, especially in the early days of grief. Plan activities that commemorate your loss. It will ease your pain. Some feelings of loss will be triggered throughout your life by a wide array of reminders. These can be all kinds of sights, sounds, smells, and events that recall your loss. If grief is not fully worked through, if most of it lies beneath the surface in the underworld of the unconscious, these triggers can engender major psychological reactions rather than a passing feeling of loss or nostalgia. Be aware of the intensity of your responses to these memories. If you break down completely when something triggers a memory of a lost loved one, explore ways to mourn your loss more consciously.
8. Get help if you need it. Be aware that sadness can turn into depression. There are many resources that you can turn to for help: a therapist who specializes in grief, bereavement groups, or support groups for people who are going through divorce or the loss of a career.
9. Help others. Nothing puts our own grief in perspective as much as helping others who are struggling with their own sorrow. Volunteer and share with others your experiences. Listen to theirs. Find the healing that this simple transaction brings.
*********************************************
GUIDELINES TO HELP A CHILD
THROUGH GRIEF
*********************************************
These are excerpts taken from "After the Funeral" which is a resource guide to the practical and emotional issues, pp. 29 -30. Prepared by J.B. Marlatt Funeral Homes Ltd, Dundas, Ontario, Canada.
a) As soon as possible after death, set time aside to talk to the child.
b) Give the child the facts in a simple manner - be careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask more questions as they come up in his or her mind.
c) If you can't answer their questions, it's OK to say "I don't know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help us".
d) Use the correct language - say the words "dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as, "He's sleeping...", or "God took her...", or "He went away...".
e) Ask questions. "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard from your friends?" "What do you think has happened?"
f) Explain your feelings to your children, especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness and to share our feelings with them.
g) Use the given name of the decreased when speaking of him or her.
h) Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child. Speak to that level.
i) Talk about feelings, such as angry, sad, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing to die too, etc.
j) Read a book on death to your child. Also, read a book on childhood grief so you have a better understanding of what they may be experiencing.
k) Talk about the visitation period and funeral. Explain what happens there and find out if your child wants to attend with the rest of your family.
l) Think about ways that a child can say goodbye to the decreased, such as writing a letter, poem, drawing a picture, etc.
m) Talk to your child about your religious beliefs, and what happens to people after they die.
n) Invite your child to come back to you if he or she has more questions or has heard rumors so that you can help him or her to get the correct information.
o) Talk about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.
p) Watch out for "bad dreams" - are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams: they are a way to discharge stress.
q) Watch for behaviour changes in your child - if they are cause for concern, seek professional help.
r) Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who had died.
s) Sudden death, violent death and the death of a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep, appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an abnormal or unusual event.
--------------------------------------
By Cindy Catches, South Dakota, United States
I just read the November issue, Volume 5, Issue #3, about dealing with grief which made me think of a story about a death that is very precious to me. I lost my brother when I was sixteen in a car accident. It was devastating to me as he was nineteen and my father figure. About two weeks after I had lost him, he came to me in a dream. He took me with him. He showed me the beautiful place that he was at and for me not to be sad. He was so happy. It helped me and from then on, he was always helping me. When I was about 25 years old, after a nine year search, I found the Baha'i Faith. I read a quote by Abdu'l-Baha which describes the loss of a young person like a loving Gardener seeing a plant that was not doing well in a certain place (that was my brother) and the gardener doesn't take the plant out and throw it away. He lovingly transplants the plant in an area that it can grow and develop better. Yes, this had been just what my brother had shown me. Now that I had the Faith, I knew that I could let my brother go so he could grow even better.
After many years had gone by, I had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life. I was very concerned about it. I said a prayer to my brother "Oh, how I wish you were here to help me with this decision. I need your wisdom." I expected him to come to me in a dream as I had asked him to help me with a dream. But nothing came. So I just let go and knew that I would do what I had to do. One morning my best girl friend called me to come over. She said that something so scary had happened to her. She said "your brother came to me last night in a dream and that she doesn't even know my brother! He said to tell you that you did the right thing and not to worry about it. Do you know what he was talking about?" I said that I did and told her what I had done. My friend is someone who doesn't like spiritual things, they scare her and she doesn't even talk about them. She said "don't ever do that again, it scared me so that I woke up crying and my husband had to help me go back to sleep." For a while I wondered why he came to her and not me and then it was so clear. You see, this decision was one I would guilt about all my life and yet, I knew if I did not do it, I would die. This way, I am more gentle with myself, I know in a clearer way, that I did the right thing for me.
*****************
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A STORY ABOUT DEALING WITH SUICIDE
******************************************************************
(Name withheld)
I would like to share a personal story in hopes it may help local spiritual assemblies respond to persons in distress.
I am a survivor of repeated childhood abuse. As a result of this abuse and possibly a bio-chemical make-up, which may be genetic, or a result of the abuse, I have experienced a number of symptoms related to mental illness whether it has been as a result of anxiety, depression, phobias, dissociation, flashbacks and suicidal feelings over the years. On a few occasions when the suicidal feelings were overwhelming I wanted to go to the Local Spiritual Assembly (the local Baha'i governing body) but felt intimidated in doing so. I went to the Local Spiritual Assembly on one occasion and was only able to say that I was going through a difficult time. The assembly fortunately decided to have two members available for me to speak with. This was easier than talking to nine individuals. At a time of feeling overwhelmed and not very interested in living, it is nearly impossible to share with a large group of people and to even get the energy to go to a meeting. Having two people was easier, however, when I asked for some help finding Baha’i Writings on suicide I never received them. When within a couple of weeks I was hospitalized, after an overdose only one of the two came to visit me. This is an indication of an assembly not ready to respond. Eventually, a couple of years later, I received a six page compilation on suicide from the Universal House of Justice (Baha'i administrative body serving at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel) after writing for some guidance. It is a very good compilation.
The last time I felt suicidal, I was living in a different community where I didn’t feel my confidentiality would be respected as I had heard members of the Local Spiritual Assembly speak of others. I never told anyone on the assembly how I was feeling. I shared what was happening with another Baha’i friend. For me it is very important to have contact with Baha’is when I am feeling hopeless, full of despair and no longer have a desire to live. It is important because in the system at large it is unlikely I will find anyone:
- to say prayers with or for me,- to help orient me back to my faith and a willingness to do God’s will,- who has an understanding of tests and difficulties based on spiritual principles- who is part of my spiritual family.
I think if most of the members knew how I felt they would want to be helpful. I think it is in part my reticence to share my vulnerabilities and Local Spiritual Assemblies not being ready to respond to great distress that is the difficulty. Here are a few suggestions on what may have helped in my situation:
- I think it would be wise for every Local Spiritual Assembly to have some writings on any area of difficulty they may face. I think not getting help finding the writings when I asked actually made things worse than if I had never asked.
- I think it is important for someone on the assembly to follow-up with a person if they have expressed having difficulties. If there is any reason at all to suspect that the person is suicidal, the assembly should ask and see that the person gets professional help if necessary. If the person is getting professional help and is suicidal let them know you are going to contact the professional and do perform this task.
- Never betray anyone’s confidence because it causes other people to not seek help even if they need it.
- Be open about a number of difficulties since this lets people know you can be approached. Offering deepenings on a variety of difficult topics can best do this. Not only does this let people know the assembly is approachable, it prepares members of the assembly to deal with a wide range of issues should they arise. Ask the community members for topics they would like to deepen on. This may give a person an opportunity to get the information especially if they are reluctant to come forward with a personal issue.
In conclusion, I would like to tell anyone who feels suicidal, we may not know why God wants us here and we may not want to be here but if we hang on for another hour, fifteen minutes or a minute at a time, we undoubtedly will grow spiritually as we are tested and find ourselves victorious one more time. God wants us here for some reason or we wouldn’t be here and He is assisting us whether we know it or not.
********
"When a Baha'i finds it essential to seek the help of others, and after his own efforts and those of his family and close friends have proved inadequate, he may certainly turn to his Local Spiritual Assembly, which will consult on his problem, extend a helping hand to him,...and even more importantly, will counsel and advise him on what opportunities are open to him, and what steps he might take to seek a solution to his problem. If the Local Assembly feels that the help or guidance of the National Assembly should be sought, it will no doubt refer the matter to the National Assembly." (From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, September 1, 1980, Lights of Guidance, p. 123)
****************************************************************
A STORY ABOUT DEALING WITH SUICIDE
******************************************************************
(Name withheld)
I would like to share a personal story in hopes it may help local spiritual assemblies respond to persons in distress.
I am a survivor of repeated childhood abuse. As a result of this abuse and possibly a bio-chemical make-up, which may be genetic, or a result of the abuse, I have experienced a number of symptoms related to mental illness whether it has been as a result of anxiety, depression, phobias, dissociation, flashbacks and suicidal feelings over the years. On a few occasions when the suicidal feelings were overwhelming I wanted to go to the Local Spiritual Assembly (the local Baha'i governing body) but felt intimidated in doing so. I went to the Local Spiritual Assembly on one occasion and was only able to say that I was going through a difficult time. The assembly fortunately decided to have two members available for me to speak with. This was easier than talking to nine individuals. At a time of feeling overwhelmed and not very interested in living, it is nearly impossible to share with a large group of people and to even get the energy to go to a meeting. Having two people was easier, however, when I asked for some help finding Baha’i Writings on suicide I never received them. When within a couple of weeks I was hospitalized, after an overdose only one of the two came to visit me. This is an indication of an assembly not ready to respond. Eventually, a couple of years later, I received a six page compilation on suicide from the Universal House of Justice (Baha'i administrative body serving at the Baha'i World Centre in Haifa, Israel) after writing for some guidance. It is a very good compilation.
The last time I felt suicidal, I was living in a different community where I didn’t feel my confidentiality would be respected as I had heard members of the Local Spiritual Assembly speak of others. I never told anyone on the assembly how I was feeling. I shared what was happening with another Baha’i friend. For me it is very important to have contact with Baha’is when I am feeling hopeless, full of despair and no longer have a desire to live. It is important because in the system at large it is unlikely I will find anyone:
- to say prayers with or for me,- to help orient me back to my faith and a willingness to do God’s will,- who has an understanding of tests and difficulties based on spiritual principles- who is part of my spiritual family.
I think if most of the members knew how I felt they would want to be helpful. I think it is in part my reticence to share my vulnerabilities and Local Spiritual Assemblies not being ready to respond to great distress that is the difficulty. Here are a few suggestions on what may have helped in my situation:
- I think it would be wise for every Local Spiritual Assembly to have some writings on any area of difficulty they may face. I think not getting help finding the writings when I asked actually made things worse than if I had never asked.
- I think it is important for someone on the assembly to follow-up with a person if they have expressed having difficulties. If there is any reason at all to suspect that the person is suicidal, the assembly should ask and see that the person gets professional help if necessary. If the person is getting professional help and is suicidal let them know you are going to contact the professional and do perform this task.
- Never betray anyone’s confidence because it causes other people to not seek help even if they need it.
- Be open about a number of difficulties since this lets people know you can be approached. Offering deepenings on a variety of difficult topics can best do this. Not only does this let people know the assembly is approachable, it prepares members of the assembly to deal with a wide range of issues should they arise. Ask the community members for topics they would like to deepen on. This may give a person an opportunity to get the information especially if they are reluctant to come forward with a personal issue.
In conclusion, I would like to tell anyone who feels suicidal, we may not know why God wants us here and we may not want to be here but if we hang on for another hour, fifteen minutes or a minute at a time, we undoubtedly will grow spiritually as we are tested and find ourselves victorious one more time. God wants us here for some reason or we wouldn’t be here and He is assisting us whether we know it or not.
********
"When a Baha'i finds it essential to seek the help of others, and after his own efforts and those of his family and close friends have proved inadequate, he may certainly turn to his Local Spiritual Assembly, which will consult on his problem, extend a helping hand to him,...and even more importantly, will counsel and advise him on what opportunities are open to him, and what steps he might take to seek a solution to his problem. If the Local Assembly feels that the help or guidance of the National Assembly should be sought, it will no doubt refer the matter to the National Assembly." (From letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, September 1, 1980, Lights of Guidance, p. 123)
****************************************************************
TIPS FOR INDIVIDUALS AND BAHA'I LOCALSPIRITUAL ASSEMBLIES IN DEALING WITHMENTAL HEALTH ISSUES
*******************************************************
By Bud Polk (This article is taken from the Baha'i Mental Health Website at http://members.nbci.com/_XMCM/bahaiMH/ and is printed with permission. Local Spiritual Assemblies, elected annually consists of nine Baha'is, twenty-one years of age and older, govern the affairs of each local Baha'i community.)
INFORMATION AND EDUCATION
- Read Baha'i writings and guidance about sickness, health and mental illness.- Learn about mental disorders from books, magazines, television, local chapters of mental health organizations, the Internet and from friends who have disorders.- Attend local support groups with a friend or family member who has a disorder.
SUPPORT
- Assure that each person with a disorder is a cherished member of the community.- Regard mental illness as you would any other illness and act accordingly.- Pray for the friends who are having an episode or emotional problem.- Visit the friends in mental hospitals (if they want visitors.)- Send cards and flowers, visit and help those recovering at home as you would for someone with any other illness.- Understand that when one family member is afflicted, the entire family "has" the disorder. The family's energy is directed toward the member with the disorder. Each family member needs your love and support.
ASSISTANCE
- Don't assume a mentally ill person can't or won't serve and participate in the Faith. - Do ask people how they would like to serve and participate.- Arrange or provide transportation to and from Feasts and other Baha'i activities, doctor's appointments, government offices, social service agencies, food pantries. Many people with disorders don't have vehicles or can't drive because of medications or they are afraid to be out in public.- Share food, used clothing, toys and other items with the mentally ill and their families. Many families are impoverished because medications, doctors and hospital stays are so expensive.
REFERRAL
- Develop comprehensive list of community services and resources.- Loacal Spiritual Assemblies can obtain a copy of the local United Way or Community Chest directory of resources.- Look in phone book under "government" and "social services" to locate resources.
STRUCTURE AND LIMITS
- Recognize personal boundaries and set limits on what you can and cannot do.- Know that an Local Spiritual Assembly is not a substitute for professional therapy and medical treatment. But do offer spiritual guidance.- Promote medical and spiritual healing.- Local Spiritual Assemblies state expectations to a mentally ill believer when necessary so that behavior is appropriate at Baha'i events. - Know that some believers may not be capable of serving on Local Spiritual Assemblies or carrying out other administrative duties.- Consult the office of community affairs at the national centre in special cases.
***********************************************************
DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE INTERVENTION FOR CHILDREN AND YOUTH
***********************************************************
By Marilyn Carey (Mental Health Clinician), British Columbia, Canada
Everyone gets depressed, feels out-of-sorts, or thinks life is just too difficult. But when do these heavy, negative feelings become worrisome? When should parents or the Baha’i Community intervene? What symptoms tell us that it is time to pay attention because this child or youth is having more difficulty than he/she can handle on his/her own?
Depression, as a serious clinical disorder is different from sadness or feeling disgruntled. I have noticed that children and youth have begun to use the language of serious depression and suicide as part of their descriptions of feelings. To say “I want to die” or “I wish I was dead” is part of the problem solving language that children use - they learn it on television, on the playground, in books, playing video games and from educational lessons at their respective schools. It does not mean the same thing that it did when I went to school. It now means my life is boring, hard, unfair or scary - sometimes. We need to understand that this language is used differently, but pay attention when our children talk about suicide. It is important to talk with a professional to find out how serious the child or youth really is about possible despair.
Suicide attempts are at an all time high among our children and youth, and the age of first attempts are getting younger. We now have a few nine and ten year olds attempting suicide, which is very frightening, because they have not yet developed a realistic concept of the permanency of death. 'Abdu’l-Baha wrote:
“Today the most pressing of all tasks is the purification of character, the reforming of morals, the rectification of conduct….The purpose is that earthlings should turn into the people of Heaven, and those who walk in darkness should come into the light, and those who are excluded should join the inner circle of the Kingdom, and those who are as nothing should become intimates of the everlasting Glory.” (Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu’l-Baha, p. 10-11)
How difficult this is in a country where it is legal to have sex at age twelve, where the viewing of violence and depravity has reached epidemic proportions and where children are encouraged to make moral decisions for which they are not intellectually or spiritually prepared. How absolutely vital are the teachings of the Baha'i Faith to bring about the transformation of a whole society - a whole world, so that our children can be freed from these difficult and life-threatening choices.
SIGNS OF SERIOUS DEPRESSION
- Depressed or irritable most of the day- Diminished interest in activities for most of the day- Significant weight loss or eating all of the time- Insomnia (not able to sleep) or hypersomnia (sleeping too much)- Loss of energy- Not able to think clearly, or concentrate. Finds it hard to make decisions- Feeling worthless, feeling excessively guilty, or hopeless- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide- Excessive crying- No interest in friends or activities
These symptoms must be present for more than two weeks and must represent a change in behavior.
If the child or youth has six or more of these symptoms for more than 2-3 weeks, professional help should be considered. The child could be taken to his/her doctor or to a Child and Youth Mental Health Clinician or Psychologist.
Often, the child who is depressed for a period of time will contemplate suicide. This is very frightening for parents and caregivers. It is when this contemplation becomes a plan - particularly a plan that is easily executable, that everyone involved needs to be vigilant.
SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
- Changes in behavior - becoming withdrawn, taking risks etc.- Problems in school - a dramatic drop in grades, emotional outbursts, falling asleep in class- Signs of depression - eating and sleeping changes, anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, loss of interest - Verbal statements - “I wish I was dead” “You’d be better off without me”- Themes of death - these may show up in artwork, poetry, essays, preoccupations with the occult, heavy metal groups, etc.- Giving away possessions- favorite clothing CD’s etc.- A previous suicide attempt - really pay attention to these kids- Poor coping skills - child or youth has very few problem solving skills; has no one that they can talk with; feels that they have no friends or people who care.- Sexual or physical abuse- Substance abuse - this increases risk taking behavior and alcohol is a depressant - Other signs may be - frequent accidents, aggressiveness, prolonged grief after a loss, break-up with a partner (more common with girls), in trouble with the law, an unexpected pregnancy, having a parent or a friend who committed suicide.
From a letter on his behalf of Shoghi Effendi wrote to a believer who asked about suicide, "Suicide is forbidden in the Cause. God Who is the Author of all life can alone take it away, and dispose of it in the way He deems best. Whoever commits suicide endangers his soul, and will suffer spiritually as a result in the other Worlds Beyond." (Helen Hornby, Lights of Guidance, p. 203)
"It is too bad that young and promising men, who if they remain living can render great services to humanity, should take away their life at a moment of despair. "The world, especially in these days, is full of woes and sufferings. We should be brave and have a stout heart. Trials and tribulations should arouse in us added vigour and greater determination and not dampen our zeal and kill our spirit." ( From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, March 12, 1933, Lights of Guidance, p. 203, Helen Hornby)
RESPONSIBILITY
- Assess the level of risk. If you have any doubts, consult a professional.- If a child or youth’s life may be in danger, the usual rules of confidentiality do not apply. I always say “ You are really important to me. I have to tell your parents and anyone else who can help to keep you safe.” As a Baha’i, we need to learn a few quotes that explains to us about light, healing and help. I like “Hold Thou my hand with the hand of Thy Power…” from prayers for assistance with tests. (Baha'i Prayers, U.S., 1985 edition, p. 28.) - Spend some time thinking about how you feel about kids who are depressed or suicidal. Do you know enough to be of assistance? - Has your Assembly addressed these issues? Do you have literature or knowledge in the community? This was one of the tasks that our beloved Universal House of Justice asked us to do at the beginning of the six year plan - to inform ourselves of social issues.
“We must now highly resolve to arise and lay hold of all those instrumentalities that promote the peace and well-being and happiness, the knowledge, culture and industry, the dignity, value and station, of the entire human race. Thus through the restoring waters of pure intention and unselfish effort, the earth of human potentialities will blossom with its own latent excellence and flower into praiseworthy qualities, and bear and flourish until it comes to rival that rosegarden of knowledge which belonged to our forefathers.” ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 4)
********************
RESOURCES
********************
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH WEBSITE
http://members.nbci.com/_XMCM/bahaiMH/
******
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH DISCUSSION GROUP
There is a Baha'i Mental Health discussion group at bahai-mentalhealth@topica.com. In order to post there it is necessary to be subscribed. To subscribe, send an email to bahai-mentalhealth-subscribe@topica.com. In the body of the message write "subscribe" without the quotation marks. You will get a request for confirmation. Just hit reply and send it back. You then should receive an acknowledgement of subscription and an introduction message.
*******
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS PLAN MEETING
The Association of Baha'i Mental Health Professionals is planning its third ABMHP conference for November 15-18/01, at Louhelen Baha'i School, and is seeking proposals for demonstration-experiential workshops that are pertinent to the conference theme: "Unfolding the Potential Within: Exploring the Nature of Psychospiritual Development.' If you are interested in presenting at the conference, please submit an abstract that describes the nature of the workshop, experience or training session you wish to provide (500-700 words), as well as a resume and brief bio. The deadline for submission is June. Please send your proposal and information to Holly Timberlake, email: holly999@raex.com, mail: Holistic Psychological Centre, 3678 Darrow Road, Stow, OH, USA, 44224.
*******************************************************
By Bud Polk (This article is taken from the Baha'i Mental Health Website at http://members.nbci.com/_XMCM/bahaiMH/ and is printed with permission. Local Spiritual Assemblies, elected annually consists of nine Baha'is, twenty-one years of age and older, govern the affairs of each local Baha'i community.)
INFORMATION AND EDUCATION
- Read Baha'i writings and guidance about sickness, health and mental illness.- Learn about mental disorders from books, magazines, television, local chapters of mental health organizations, the Internet and from friends who have disorders.- Attend local support groups with a friend or family member who has a disorder.
SUPPORT
- Assure that each person with a disorder is a cherished member of the community.- Regard mental illness as you would any other illness and act accordingly.- Pray for the friends who are having an episode or emotional problem.- Visit the friends in mental hospitals (if they want visitors.)- Send cards and flowers, visit and help those recovering at home as you would for someone with any other illness.- Understand that when one family member is afflicted, the entire family "has" the disorder. The family's energy is directed toward the member with the disorder. Each family member needs your love and support.
ASSISTANCE
- Don't assume a mentally ill person can't or won't serve and participate in the Faith. - Do ask people how they would like to serve and participate.- Arrange or provide transportation to and from Feasts and other Baha'i activities, doctor's appointments, government offices, social service agencies, food pantries. Many people with disorders don't have vehicles or can't drive because of medications or they are afraid to be out in public.- Share food, used clothing, toys and other items with the mentally ill and their families. Many families are impoverished because medications, doctors and hospital stays are so expensive.
REFERRAL
- Develop comprehensive list of community services and resources.- Loacal Spiritual Assemblies can obtain a copy of the local United Way or Community Chest directory of resources.- Look in phone book under "government" and "social services" to locate resources.
STRUCTURE AND LIMITS
- Recognize personal boundaries and set limits on what you can and cannot do.- Know that an Local Spiritual Assembly is not a substitute for professional therapy and medical treatment. But do offer spiritual guidance.- Promote medical and spiritual healing.- Local Spiritual Assemblies state expectations to a mentally ill believer when necessary so that behavior is appropriate at Baha'i events. - Know that some believers may not be capable of serving on Local Spiritual Assemblies or carrying out other administrative duties.- Consult the office of community affairs at the national centre in special cases.
***********************************************************
DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE INTERVENTION FOR CHILDREN AND YOUTH
***********************************************************
By Marilyn Carey (Mental Health Clinician), British Columbia, Canada
Everyone gets depressed, feels out-of-sorts, or thinks life is just too difficult. But when do these heavy, negative feelings become worrisome? When should parents or the Baha’i Community intervene? What symptoms tell us that it is time to pay attention because this child or youth is having more difficulty than he/she can handle on his/her own?
Depression, as a serious clinical disorder is different from sadness or feeling disgruntled. I have noticed that children and youth have begun to use the language of serious depression and suicide as part of their descriptions of feelings. To say “I want to die” or “I wish I was dead” is part of the problem solving language that children use - they learn it on television, on the playground, in books, playing video games and from educational lessons at their respective schools. It does not mean the same thing that it did when I went to school. It now means my life is boring, hard, unfair or scary - sometimes. We need to understand that this language is used differently, but pay attention when our children talk about suicide. It is important to talk with a professional to find out how serious the child or youth really is about possible despair.
Suicide attempts are at an all time high among our children and youth, and the age of first attempts are getting younger. We now have a few nine and ten year olds attempting suicide, which is very frightening, because they have not yet developed a realistic concept of the permanency of death. 'Abdu’l-Baha wrote:
“Today the most pressing of all tasks is the purification of character, the reforming of morals, the rectification of conduct….The purpose is that earthlings should turn into the people of Heaven, and those who walk in darkness should come into the light, and those who are excluded should join the inner circle of the Kingdom, and those who are as nothing should become intimates of the everlasting Glory.” (Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu’l-Baha, p. 10-11)
How difficult this is in a country where it is legal to have sex at age twelve, where the viewing of violence and depravity has reached epidemic proportions and where children are encouraged to make moral decisions for which they are not intellectually or spiritually prepared. How absolutely vital are the teachings of the Baha'i Faith to bring about the transformation of a whole society - a whole world, so that our children can be freed from these difficult and life-threatening choices.
SIGNS OF SERIOUS DEPRESSION
- Depressed or irritable most of the day- Diminished interest in activities for most of the day- Significant weight loss or eating all of the time- Insomnia (not able to sleep) or hypersomnia (sleeping too much)- Loss of energy- Not able to think clearly, or concentrate. Finds it hard to make decisions- Feeling worthless, feeling excessively guilty, or hopeless- Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide- Excessive crying- No interest in friends or activities
These symptoms must be present for more than two weeks and must represent a change in behavior.
If the child or youth has six or more of these symptoms for more than 2-3 weeks, professional help should be considered. The child could be taken to his/her doctor or to a Child and Youth Mental Health Clinician or Psychologist.
Often, the child who is depressed for a period of time will contemplate suicide. This is very frightening for parents and caregivers. It is when this contemplation becomes a plan - particularly a plan that is easily executable, that everyone involved needs to be vigilant.
SUICIDE WARNING SIGNS
- Changes in behavior - becoming withdrawn, taking risks etc.- Problems in school - a dramatic drop in grades, emotional outbursts, falling asleep in class- Signs of depression - eating and sleeping changes, anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, loss of interest - Verbal statements - “I wish I was dead” “You’d be better off without me”- Themes of death - these may show up in artwork, poetry, essays, preoccupations with the occult, heavy metal groups, etc.- Giving away possessions- favorite clothing CD’s etc.- A previous suicide attempt - really pay attention to these kids- Poor coping skills - child or youth has very few problem solving skills; has no one that they can talk with; feels that they have no friends or people who care.- Sexual or physical abuse- Substance abuse - this increases risk taking behavior and alcohol is a depressant - Other signs may be - frequent accidents, aggressiveness, prolonged grief after a loss, break-up with a partner (more common with girls), in trouble with the law, an unexpected pregnancy, having a parent or a friend who committed suicide.
From a letter on his behalf of Shoghi Effendi wrote to a believer who asked about suicide, "Suicide is forbidden in the Cause. God Who is the Author of all life can alone take it away, and dispose of it in the way He deems best. Whoever commits suicide endangers his soul, and will suffer spiritually as a result in the other Worlds Beyond." (Helen Hornby, Lights of Guidance, p. 203)
"It is too bad that young and promising men, who if they remain living can render great services to humanity, should take away their life at a moment of despair. "The world, especially in these days, is full of woes and sufferings. We should be brave and have a stout heart. Trials and tribulations should arouse in us added vigour and greater determination and not dampen our zeal and kill our spirit." ( From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, March 12, 1933, Lights of Guidance, p. 203, Helen Hornby)
RESPONSIBILITY
- Assess the level of risk. If you have any doubts, consult a professional.- If a child or youth’s life may be in danger, the usual rules of confidentiality do not apply. I always say “ You are really important to me. I have to tell your parents and anyone else who can help to keep you safe.” As a Baha’i, we need to learn a few quotes that explains to us about light, healing and help. I like “Hold Thou my hand with the hand of Thy Power…” from prayers for assistance with tests. (Baha'i Prayers, U.S., 1985 edition, p. 28.) - Spend some time thinking about how you feel about kids who are depressed or suicidal. Do you know enough to be of assistance? - Has your Assembly addressed these issues? Do you have literature or knowledge in the community? This was one of the tasks that our beloved Universal House of Justice asked us to do at the beginning of the six year plan - to inform ourselves of social issues.
“We must now highly resolve to arise and lay hold of all those instrumentalities that promote the peace and well-being and happiness, the knowledge, culture and industry, the dignity, value and station, of the entire human race. Thus through the restoring waters of pure intention and unselfish effort, the earth of human potentialities will blossom with its own latent excellence and flower into praiseworthy qualities, and bear and flourish until it comes to rival that rosegarden of knowledge which belonged to our forefathers.” ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 4)
********************
RESOURCES
********************
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH WEBSITE
http://members.nbci.com/_XMCM/bahaiMH/
******
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH DISCUSSION GROUP
There is a Baha'i Mental Health discussion group at bahai-mentalhealth@topica.com. In order to post there it is necessary to be subscribed. To subscribe, send an email to bahai-mentalhealth-subscribe@topica.com. In the body of the message write "subscribe" without the quotation marks. You will get a request for confirmation. Just hit reply and send it back. You then should receive an acknowledgement of subscription and an introduction message.
*******
BAHA'I MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS PLAN MEETING
The Association of Baha'i Mental Health Professionals is planning its third ABMHP conference for November 15-18/01, at Louhelen Baha'i School, and is seeking proposals for demonstration-experiential workshops that are pertinent to the conference theme: "Unfolding the Potential Within: Exploring the Nature of Psychospiritual Development.' If you are interested in presenting at the conference, please submit an abstract that describes the nature of the workshop, experience or training session you wish to provide (500-700 words), as well as a resume and brief bio. The deadline for submission is June. Please send your proposal and information to Holly Timberlake, email: holly999@raex.com, mail: Holistic Psychological Centre, 3678 Darrow Road, Stow, OH, USA, 44224.
************************************
THE JEWISH PHYSICIAN
************************************
Taken from "Fire on the Mountain Top". This is a true story based in Iran during the early days of the Baha'i Faith.
"Hakim Aqa Jan hurried along the narrow lanes of Hamadan to the house of Muhammad Baqir who, carrying a lantern to light the way, ran on in front. Muhammad Bahir's wife lay desperately ill, shaken with convulsions and crying out in pain. She had been suffering with fever when the Jewish Physician, Hakim Aqa Jan, was called in to see her earlier that evening, and he had given her a few pills to take, saying that she would soon feel better. She had scarcely taken the pills, however, when her condition grew worse and she was seized with severe pains and convulsions.
Hurrying to her bedside now, Hakim Aqa Jan had one look at his patient and the blood drained out of his face. He immediately realized what had happened; instead of the quinine pills he intended to give her, he had handed out strychnine. Not only was the patient now in danger of losing her life, but so was he himself. Indeed, knowing the hatred which the Muslims bore towards his people, Hakim Aqa Jan wondered if this consequences of such a mistake on his part might not affect his family and the whole Jewish population of Hamadan. He trembled at the thought and scarcely heard the question Muhammad Baqir was asking. The latter, sensing the state of the doctor's mind, asked the reason for his extreme anxiety. "I have made a mistake in giving the pills," confessed Hakim Aqa Jan. "Anyone can make a mistake" said Muhammad Baqir. "You did not do this on purpose, and even if the patient should die, no one will blame you for it."
Hakim Aqa Jan could not believe his ears. Was it indeed a Muslim who spoke thus to him, a Jew? But there was no time to dwell on such mysteries when his patient needed all his attention. He rushed out of the house to the nearest drug shop and, having purchased some medicine with which he hoped might be able to save her life, hurried back to sit with his patient through the night. After agonizing hours of suspense in which he did every possible thing within his power to save her, he was at last relieved to see that the danger had passed and that she would live.
During all this time, the gracious courtesy and the kindness with which he had received in the home of Muhammad Baqir greatly affected and somewhat puzzled the physician. He had had many dealings with Muslims before and was familiar with the way they treated Jews, especially under such unfavourable conditions. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered at the unusual behaviour of this household.
Later, he mustered enough courage to ask Muhammad Baqir about his religious beliefs. "I belong to a new Faith," was Muhammad Baqir's reply, "I am a Baha'i." Hakim Aqa Jan was immediately interested to know about this new Faith and after a period of investigation, became an ardent follower himself.
He was the first Jew to embrace the Cause in Hamadan, and although he did not live more than a few years after becoming a Baha'i, he was able to bring a great number of other Jews into the Faith before he passed away."
*******************************************************
THE JEWISH PHYSICIAN
************************************
Taken from "Fire on the Mountain Top". This is a true story based in Iran during the early days of the Baha'i Faith.
"Hakim Aqa Jan hurried along the narrow lanes of Hamadan to the house of Muhammad Baqir who, carrying a lantern to light the way, ran on in front. Muhammad Bahir's wife lay desperately ill, shaken with convulsions and crying out in pain. She had been suffering with fever when the Jewish Physician, Hakim Aqa Jan, was called in to see her earlier that evening, and he had given her a few pills to take, saying that she would soon feel better. She had scarcely taken the pills, however, when her condition grew worse and she was seized with severe pains and convulsions.
Hurrying to her bedside now, Hakim Aqa Jan had one look at his patient and the blood drained out of his face. He immediately realized what had happened; instead of the quinine pills he intended to give her, he had handed out strychnine. Not only was the patient now in danger of losing her life, but so was he himself. Indeed, knowing the hatred which the Muslims bore towards his people, Hakim Aqa Jan wondered if this consequences of such a mistake on his part might not affect his family and the whole Jewish population of Hamadan. He trembled at the thought and scarcely heard the question Muhammad Baqir was asking. The latter, sensing the state of the doctor's mind, asked the reason for his extreme anxiety. "I have made a mistake in giving the pills," confessed Hakim Aqa Jan. "Anyone can make a mistake" said Muhammad Baqir. "You did not do this on purpose, and even if the patient should die, no one will blame you for it."
Hakim Aqa Jan could not believe his ears. Was it indeed a Muslim who spoke thus to him, a Jew? But there was no time to dwell on such mysteries when his patient needed all his attention. He rushed out of the house to the nearest drug shop and, having purchased some medicine with which he hoped might be able to save her life, hurried back to sit with his patient through the night. After agonizing hours of suspense in which he did every possible thing within his power to save her, he was at last relieved to see that the danger had passed and that she would live.
During all this time, the gracious courtesy and the kindness with which he had received in the home of Muhammad Baqir greatly affected and somewhat puzzled the physician. He had had many dealings with Muslims before and was familiar with the way they treated Jews, especially under such unfavourable conditions. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered at the unusual behaviour of this household.
Later, he mustered enough courage to ask Muhammad Baqir about his religious beliefs. "I belong to a new Faith," was Muhammad Baqir's reply, "I am a Baha'i." Hakim Aqa Jan was immediately interested to know about this new Faith and after a period of investigation, became an ardent follower himself.
He was the first Jew to embrace the Cause in Hamadan, and although he did not live more than a few years after becoming a Baha'i, he was able to bring a great number of other Jews into the Faith before he passed away."
*******************************************************
Friday 16 February 2007
**********************
FASTING
**********************
During the Baha'i month of Loftiness which begins March 2nd, Baha'is over 15 years of age fast from sunrise to sunset for nineteen days. Exempted from the Fast are children under 15, those who are ill, over 70, travelling, pregnant or nursing women, women in their courses or those doing heavy labour. The Fast ends at sunset March 20, Naw-Ruz (Baha'i New Year).
'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that "prayer and fasting is the cause of awakening and mindfulness and conducive to protection and preservation from tests." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, pp. 69-70)
Prayer and fasting "act as stimulants to the soul, strengthen, revive, and purify it, and thus insure its steady development." (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Baha'i Administration, p.8)
The Guardian, Shoghi Effendi writes, "it (the fasting period) is essentially a period of meditation and prayer, of spiritual recuperation, during which the believer must strive to make necessary readjustments to his inner life, and to refresh and reinvigorate the spiritual forces latent in his soul. Its significance and purpose are, therefore, fundamentally spiritual in character. Fasting is symbolic, and a reminder of abstinence from selfish and carnal desires." (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Baha'i Administration, p. 9)
******************************
FASTING
**********************
During the Baha'i month of Loftiness which begins March 2nd, Baha'is over 15 years of age fast from sunrise to sunset for nineteen days. Exempted from the Fast are children under 15, those who are ill, over 70, travelling, pregnant or nursing women, women in their courses or those doing heavy labour. The Fast ends at sunset March 20, Naw-Ruz (Baha'i New Year).
'Abdu'l-Baha tells us that "prayer and fasting is the cause of awakening and mindfulness and conducive to protection and preservation from tests." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, pp. 69-70)
Prayer and fasting "act as stimulants to the soul, strengthen, revive, and purify it, and thus insure its steady development." (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Baha'i Administration, p.8)
The Guardian, Shoghi Effendi writes, "it (the fasting period) is essentially a period of meditation and prayer, of spiritual recuperation, during which the believer must strive to make necessary readjustments to his inner life, and to refresh and reinvigorate the spiritual forces latent in his soul. Its significance and purpose are, therefore, fundamentally spiritual in character. Fasting is symbolic, and a reminder of abstinence from selfish and carnal desires." (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Baha'i Administration, p. 9)
******************************
**********************************
LIFESTYLES AND AGING
**********************************
By Shirlee Smith, Ontario, Canada
The number of individuals who are now surviving into old age is increasing. There is often an assumption that as people grow older, they experience poorer health and more disabilities. While research shows that older people are healthier than stereotypes suggest, it is nonetheless a fact that an overall decline in health and rise in rates of disability do accompany aging. Mobility difficulties, loss of vision and/or hearing late in life will tax an individual's ability to cope with day to day tasks that are usually taken for granted. It is a challenge that some will meet head on and that others will struggle with.
The World Health Organization (1981) uses the notion of "handicap" to refer to a situation where an individual with a disability is disadvantaged relative to others in society. According to their definition, an individual experiences a handicap when he or she is prevented, as a result of a disability, from fulfilling the roles that would be considered normal for someone of comparable age and gender in that society.
Adopting a "Positive Lifestyle" can help us to develop and maintain our physical and spiritual well-being as we grow older.
How might one define a "Positive Lifestyle?" What are some of the elements?
1. SPIRITUALITY
This is a flexible term, which is used in many ways. It is used here to include our religious beliefs, practices and activity, time spent alone, being with nature, meditating, praying and reflecting.
"All is in the hands of God, and without Him there can be no health in us!"
('Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p.19)
"When a man turns his face to God he finds sunshine everywhere." (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 15)
"Happy the days that have been consecrated to the remembrance of God, and blessed the hours which have been spent in praise of Him Who is the All-Wise." ( Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 138)
2) A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Are there people you like to be with? Is there, at least, one person that knows enough and cares enough to respond to what you want to say? Is there someone with whom you can have a conversation and walk away feeling better? Can they also count on you to be there for them?
"Deal ye one with another with the utmost love and harmony, with friendliness and fellowship." (Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p.14)
"Treat all thy friends and relatives, even strangers, with a spirit of utmost love and kindliness" (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i National Review, July 1982, No. 120, p.3)
3) COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT
To what extent are you utilizing community resources to expand your life? This includes work, community service and being out and about in the world around you. Do you attend community events? Keep in touch with people? Doing work as a volunteer or as a paid employee adds to your well being.
"Think ye at all times of rendering some service to every member of the human race." (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p.3)
"…when occupied with work one is less likely to dwell on the unpleasant aspects of life." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p.175)
4) USE OF LEISURE TIME
Evaluate your use of leisure time. It is easy to drift into sitting alone, watching television, overeating, not exercising and reading uninteresting materials. Consider hobbies, art, music, creativity and other satisfying activities. There is no question that exposing oneself to a new experience is the most important pathway to a steady growth of lifestyle. Have you learned any new skills recently?
"It is enjoined upon every one of you to engage in some form of occupation, such as crafts, trades and the like. We have graciously exalted your engagement in such work to the rank of worship unto God, the True One." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 175)
5) FITNESS
Some energy should be directed to keeping fit. Attention to diet and nutrition is essential. Get some exercise on a regular basis. Are you learning what you need to know to work with your illness or disability for independent living? Are you learning techniques to deal with stress? Are you doing all you need to do to stay fit?
"Think not of your own limitations, dwell only on the welfare of the Kingdom of Glory." ('Abdu'l-Baha. Paris Talks, p.166)
Growing older does not have to mean loss of independence. If one has a disability, it does not have to mean that the quality of life is reduced. It can mean change and challenge. Independence is based upon the ability to make choices and information about alternatives. Family, friends and professional caregivers must be careful not to take the right of choice from older adults who may be experiencing sensory or physical disabilities.
"Be fair to yourselves and to others, that the evidences of justice may be revealed, through your deeds, among Our faithful servants." (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 278)
********************************************
RECEIVING THE GIFT OF HEALTH
********************************************
By Bill and Phoebe Anne Lemmon, Quebec, Canada
“Although ill health is one of the unavoidable conditions of man, truly it is hard to bear. The bounty of good health is the greatest of all gifts.”('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, #132, p. 151)
______________
As we age we can certainly understand and agree with these two statements (see above) of ‘Abdu’l-Baha . We live one day, one moment at a time, scarcely noticing the passing years until that morning when we roll out of bed instead of bouncing out with energy and our body says, “I don’t care what you want to do; I’ve been around for 60 (or 50 or 70) years and I’m slowing down”. Unless we’ve been motivated to do so earlier in life - and hopefully we have been by something other than illness - this is the time to listen to our body, be kind to it, and work with it.
Today’s environment is not conducive to maintaining or achieving good health. We really have to work at being healthy! This takes expenditures of time, energy, and money. How do we justify such expenditures when the needs of the Faith are so great? ‘Abdu’l-Baha tells us, “Make ye then a mighty effort ... that for purity, immaculacy, refinement, and the preservation of health, they (Baha’is) shall be leaders in the vanguard of those who know.”(Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, #129, p. 150) From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, October 25, 1949, quoted in Lights of Guidance, we learn that “The Baha’is ... must guard against utterly depleting their forces and having breakdowns”. We are, then, encouraged to look after our health.
Although we are instructed to consult a competent physician when we are ill, there are four important aspects of preventive care that we can handle ourselves. You can remember them as RREN - Rest, Recreation, Exercise, and Nutrition.* Rest: Listen to your body for this one. You’ll soon be able to recognize its messages. Don’t wait for the collapse that will surely come if you ignore early signs. Even on a busy day, try to take at least fifteen minutes to lie on your back with your feet elevated. The blood-flow reversal does wonders! * Recreation: This is rest for the brain, so choose something that is a refreshing change from routine, a real re-creation. That could be anything from a good book to a round of golf. * Exercise: No, not the round of golf again. Exercise should be purposeful, disciplined, regular. Brisk walking is the original do-it-yourself exercise and heads the list. The cost is a pair of good walking shoes; the benefits are bestowed on the entire body. Two excellent forms of class exercises for seniors are tai chi and stretching. * Nutrition: Last but most important. If we are feeding our body impure food, it won’t run any better than an automobile with impure gasoline. The extra dollars we spend for food that is as natural as possible come back to us in reduced medical bills. Read labels and remember the current nutritional advice: cut down on meat and dairy, increase fruits, vegetables, and grains.
Receiving the gift of good health is well worth the effort required for change. In this passage from Baha’i World Faith, p. 176, ‘Abdu’l-Baha gives us further incentive: “If thou are desirous of health, wish thou health for serving the Kingdom. I hope thou mayest attain a perfect insight, an inflexible resolution, a complete health and spiritual and physical strength in order that thou mayest drink from the fountain of eternal life and be assisted by the spirit of divine confirmation.”
****************************************************
TAI CHI FOR OLDER PEOPLE REDUCES
FALLS, MAY HELP MAINTAIN STRENGTH
****************************************************
Submitted by Bill and Phoebe Anne Lemmon (Taken from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) website: www.nih.gov/nia. The NIA, part of the National Institutes of Health, leads the Federal effort conducting and supporting research on the aging process and the diseases and disabilities that accompany advancing age. The Institute's program focuses on biomedical, clinical, and social and behavioral research, and supports the Claude D. Pepper Older American Independence Centers at medical centres across the U.S., whose research is aimed at maintaining healthy function well into old age.)
Tai Chi, a martial arts form that enhances balance and body awareness through slow, graceful, and precise body movements, can significantly cut the risk of falls among older people and may be beneficial in maintaining gains made by people age 70 and older who undergo other types of balance and strength training. The news comes in two reports appearing in the May 1996 issue of the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.
The two studies are the first involving Tai Chi to be reported by scientists in a special frailty reduction program sponsored by the National Institute on Aging (NIA).
In the first study, Steven L. Wolf, Ph.D., and colleagues at the Emory University School of Medicine, Atlanta, Ga., found that older people taking part in a 15-week Tai Chi program reduced their risk of falling by 47.5 percent. A second study, by Leslie Wolfson, M.D., and colleagues at the University of Connecticut Health Center, Farmington, found that several interventions to improve balance and strength among older people were effective. These improvements, particularly in strength, were preserved over a 6-month period while participants did Tai Chi exercises.
The projects are among several in the NIA's Frailty and Injuries:Cooperative Studies of Intervention Techniques, or FICSIT, initiative, launched in 1990 to improve physical function in old age.
Research from these and other FICSIT trials has demonstrated the benefits of strength training for older people and the value and cost-effectiveness of targeted, fall prevention programs for the elderly. It is estimated that each year falls are responsible for costs of over $12 billion in the U.S., and the costs due to physical frailty are much higher.
The news on Tai Chi is a reminder that relatively "low tech" approaches should not be overlooked in the search for ways to prevent disability and maintain physical performance in late life. "The FICSIT studies have shown that a range of techniques, from the most sophisticated medical interventions to more 'low tech' methods, can help older people avoid frailty and falling," says Chhanda Dutta, Ph.D., Director of Musculoskeletal Research in the NIA's Geriatrics Program. "We must make sure that we look at every approach, especially relatively inexpensive ones like Tai Chi," says Dutta. "People can do this at home and with friends once they have had the proper training...."
LIFESTYLES AND AGING
**********************************
By Shirlee Smith, Ontario, Canada
The number of individuals who are now surviving into old age is increasing. There is often an assumption that as people grow older, they experience poorer health and more disabilities. While research shows that older people are healthier than stereotypes suggest, it is nonetheless a fact that an overall decline in health and rise in rates of disability do accompany aging. Mobility difficulties, loss of vision and/or hearing late in life will tax an individual's ability to cope with day to day tasks that are usually taken for granted. It is a challenge that some will meet head on and that others will struggle with.
The World Health Organization (1981) uses the notion of "handicap" to refer to a situation where an individual with a disability is disadvantaged relative to others in society. According to their definition, an individual experiences a handicap when he or she is prevented, as a result of a disability, from fulfilling the roles that would be considered normal for someone of comparable age and gender in that society.
Adopting a "Positive Lifestyle" can help us to develop and maintain our physical and spiritual well-being as we grow older.
How might one define a "Positive Lifestyle?" What are some of the elements?
1. SPIRITUALITY
This is a flexible term, which is used in many ways. It is used here to include our religious beliefs, practices and activity, time spent alone, being with nature, meditating, praying and reflecting.
"All is in the hands of God, and without Him there can be no health in us!"
('Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p.19)
"When a man turns his face to God he finds sunshine everywhere." (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 15)
"Happy the days that have been consecrated to the remembrance of God, and blessed the hours which have been spent in praise of Him Who is the All-Wise." ( Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 138)
2) A LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Are there people you like to be with? Is there, at least, one person that knows enough and cares enough to respond to what you want to say? Is there someone with whom you can have a conversation and walk away feeling better? Can they also count on you to be there for them?
"Deal ye one with another with the utmost love and harmony, with friendliness and fellowship." (Baha'u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p.14)
"Treat all thy friends and relatives, even strangers, with a spirit of utmost love and kindliness" (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i National Review, July 1982, No. 120, p.3)
3) COMMUNITY INVOLVEMENT
To what extent are you utilizing community resources to expand your life? This includes work, community service and being out and about in the world around you. Do you attend community events? Keep in touch with people? Doing work as a volunteer or as a paid employee adds to your well being.
"Think ye at all times of rendering some service to every member of the human race." (‘Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p.3)
"…when occupied with work one is less likely to dwell on the unpleasant aspects of life." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p.175)
4) USE OF LEISURE TIME
Evaluate your use of leisure time. It is easy to drift into sitting alone, watching television, overeating, not exercising and reading uninteresting materials. Consider hobbies, art, music, creativity and other satisfying activities. There is no question that exposing oneself to a new experience is the most important pathway to a steady growth of lifestyle. Have you learned any new skills recently?
"It is enjoined upon every one of you to engage in some form of occupation, such as crafts, trades and the like. We have graciously exalted your engagement in such work to the rank of worship unto God, the True One." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 175)
5) FITNESS
Some energy should be directed to keeping fit. Attention to diet and nutrition is essential. Get some exercise on a regular basis. Are you learning what you need to know to work with your illness or disability for independent living? Are you learning techniques to deal with stress? Are you doing all you need to do to stay fit?
"Think not of your own limitations, dwell only on the welfare of the Kingdom of Glory." ('Abdu'l-Baha. Paris Talks, p.166)
Growing older does not have to mean loss of independence. If one has a disability, it does not have to mean that the quality of life is reduced. It can mean change and challenge. Independence is based upon the ability to make choices and information about alternatives. Family, friends and professional caregivers must be careful not to take the right of choice from older adults who may be experiencing sensory or physical disabilities.
"Be fair to yourselves and to others, that the evidences of justice may be revealed, through your deeds, among Our faithful servants." (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 278)
********************************************
RECEIVING THE GIFT OF HEALTH
********************************************
By Bill and Phoebe Anne Lemmon, Quebec, Canada
“Although ill health is one of the unavoidable conditions of man, truly it is hard to bear. The bounty of good health is the greatest of all gifts.”('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, #132, p. 151)
______________
As we age we can certainly understand and agree with these two statements (see above) of ‘Abdu’l-Baha . We live one day, one moment at a time, scarcely noticing the passing years until that morning when we roll out of bed instead of bouncing out with energy and our body says, “I don’t care what you want to do; I’ve been around for 60 (or 50 or 70) years and I’m slowing down”. Unless we’ve been motivated to do so earlier in life - and hopefully we have been by something other than illness - this is the time to listen to our body, be kind to it, and work with it.
Today’s environment is not conducive to maintaining or achieving good health. We really have to work at being healthy! This takes expenditures of time, energy, and money. How do we justify such expenditures when the needs of the Faith are so great? ‘Abdu’l-Baha tells us, “Make ye then a mighty effort ... that for purity, immaculacy, refinement, and the preservation of health, they (Baha’is) shall be leaders in the vanguard of those who know.”(Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, #129, p. 150) From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, October 25, 1949, quoted in Lights of Guidance, we learn that “The Baha’is ... must guard against utterly depleting their forces and having breakdowns”. We are, then, encouraged to look after our health.
Although we are instructed to consult a competent physician when we are ill, there are four important aspects of preventive care that we can handle ourselves. You can remember them as RREN - Rest, Recreation, Exercise, and Nutrition.* Rest: Listen to your body for this one. You’ll soon be able to recognize its messages. Don’t wait for the collapse that will surely come if you ignore early signs. Even on a busy day, try to take at least fifteen minutes to lie on your back with your feet elevated. The blood-flow reversal does wonders! * Recreation: This is rest for the brain, so choose something that is a refreshing change from routine, a real re-creation. That could be anything from a good book to a round of golf. * Exercise: No, not the round of golf again. Exercise should be purposeful, disciplined, regular. Brisk walking is the original do-it-yourself exercise and heads the list. The cost is a pair of good walking shoes; the benefits are bestowed on the entire body. Two excellent forms of class exercises for seniors are tai chi and stretching. * Nutrition: Last but most important. If we are feeding our body impure food, it won’t run any better than an automobile with impure gasoline. The extra dollars we spend for food that is as natural as possible come back to us in reduced medical bills. Read labels and remember the current nutritional advice: cut down on meat and dairy, increase fruits, vegetables, and grains.
Receiving the gift of good health is well worth the effort required for change. In this passage from Baha’i World Faith, p. 176, ‘Abdu’l-Baha gives us further incentive: “If thou are desirous of health, wish thou health for serving the Kingdom. I hope thou mayest attain a perfect insight, an inflexible resolution, a complete health and spiritual and physical strength in order that thou mayest drink from the fountain of eternal life and be assisted by the spirit of divine confirmation.”
****************************************************
TAI CHI FOR OLDER PEOPLE REDUCES
FALLS, MAY HELP MAINTAIN STRENGTH
****************************************************
Submitted by Bill and Phoebe Anne Lemmon (Taken from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) website: www.nih.gov/nia. The NIA, part of the National Institutes of Health, leads the Federal effort conducting and supporting research on the aging process and the diseases and disabilities that accompany advancing age. The Institute's program focuses on biomedical, clinical, and social and behavioral research, and supports the Claude D. Pepper Older American Independence Centers at medical centres across the U.S., whose research is aimed at maintaining healthy function well into old age.)
Tai Chi, a martial arts form that enhances balance and body awareness through slow, graceful, and precise body movements, can significantly cut the risk of falls among older people and may be beneficial in maintaining gains made by people age 70 and older who undergo other types of balance and strength training. The news comes in two reports appearing in the May 1996 issue of the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.
The two studies are the first involving Tai Chi to be reported by scientists in a special frailty reduction program sponsored by the National Institute on Aging (NIA).
In the first study, Steven L. Wolf, Ph.D., and colleagues at the Emory University School of Medicine, Atlanta, Ga., found that older people taking part in a 15-week Tai Chi program reduced their risk of falling by 47.5 percent. A second study, by Leslie Wolfson, M.D., and colleagues at the University of Connecticut Health Center, Farmington, found that several interventions to improve balance and strength among older people were effective. These improvements, particularly in strength, were preserved over a 6-month period while participants did Tai Chi exercises.
The projects are among several in the NIA's Frailty and Injuries:Cooperative Studies of Intervention Techniques, or FICSIT, initiative, launched in 1990 to improve physical function in old age.
Research from these and other FICSIT trials has demonstrated the benefits of strength training for older people and the value and cost-effectiveness of targeted, fall prevention programs for the elderly. It is estimated that each year falls are responsible for costs of over $12 billion in the U.S., and the costs due to physical frailty are much higher.
The news on Tai Chi is a reminder that relatively "low tech" approaches should not be overlooked in the search for ways to prevent disability and maintain physical performance in late life. "The FICSIT studies have shown that a range of techniques, from the most sophisticated medical interventions to more 'low tech' methods, can help older people avoid frailty and falling," says Chhanda Dutta, Ph.D., Director of Musculoskeletal Research in the NIA's Geriatrics Program. "We must make sure that we look at every approach, especially relatively inexpensive ones like Tai Chi," says Dutta. "People can do this at home and with friends once they have had the proper training...."
ADDICTION ISSUES
Recently my spiritual daughter age 25 and Persian shared with me the reality of her drinking and taking drugs. She does not feel that she can get help within the Baha'i community let alone turn to other Persian Baha'is for help. After speaking with her, I have learned from other young Persian Baha'is that they have the same problems and fears. Is there anyone out there working to help break the silence of this frightening condition? These young people need and want help but don't know what to do or how to do it and I don't know what to tell them. Does anyone know how wide spread this problem could be? I know that more than Persians suffer from these problems, but they seem to hide it more. I'm grateful for any insights.
RESPONSES:
Like all cultures, Persian culture has many positive and negative aspects. One particularly negative aspect of this culture is the great emphasis on what I will call 'what will others think' syndrome. This prevents many individuals from being honest about personal tests for fear of what others may think or say. Unfortunately hiding problems and maintaining silence does not solve problems, but create bigger ones.
Firstly, it takes a great deal of courage for your spiritual daughter to share this problem with you and I would encourage you to commend her on her strength and courage. The fact that she has shared this with you means that firstly she does recognize it is a problem, and secondly, that she is reaching out for assistance.
If she is comfortable discussing this with her parents, the Local Assembly or an Auxiliary Board Member, please encourage her to do so and assure her of your full support as she tries to deal with this. If she is not comfortable going to family, friends or to the institutions of the faith, (which is what I would suspect is more likely) please take it upon yourself to be the one to help her address this problem and end her addiction.
Here is what I would do:
1. Do some research on the subject and put it all in a folder - perhaps do some internet research, get books, pamphlets etc on addiction; find out information on various agencies that deal with alcohol and drug addiction; information on therapists (preferably a woman) that specialize in this area. Alcohol and drug dependencies are often results of unresolved inner issues, frustrations, etc ... youth today are not always provided with the tools and channels they need to deal with tests, and alcohol and drugs are one way of 'forgetting' or dealing with problems or 'rebelling' against the forbidden. Therapy would be helpful for her to identify the underlying reasons for her addiction and through understanding comes power and strength.
2. Put together a list of quotations from the writings on the subject.
3. There is a Baha'i support group for people dealing with addiction. Call the Baha'i Centre and get information on this and contact information - just in case your 'daughter' would consider contacting them.
4. Prepared with all this information, invite her over to your home to discuss this issue. Tell her how grateful you are that she has shared this with you. It must be a great burden to have a problem such as this and feel there is no one to tell, nowhere to turn. Her opening up is the FIRST and most important step in her therapy. Say some prayers, and show her the folder with all the research you have done. Tell her what you've learned and what seems to stick out in your mind about her and this issue. Then have a consultation with her about what SHE would like to do.
- does she want to stop drinking and using drugs? - why does she think this habit began for her?- does she feel she can stop? (and tell her why you are confident that she can)- ask any other questions you think are relevant
5. Ask her to take the folder home and study it and set up another time to meet a week or two later to discuss the matter further. Giving her the opportunity to take control and choose her treatment option will be empowering to her. But your 'presence' - physical, emotional, and spiritual - are vital for her success. Assure her that you are available to her at all times and that you will stick by her. Tell her this is not her 'fault' and there is no faulting, blaming etc ... it is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has their own challenges, and this happens to be hers ... but for her physical, spiritual and psychological health, it needs to be dealt with because it is not only something that is spiritually forbidden but physically unhealthy.
6. Encourage the daughter to involve her parents. If she is not comfortable with this, ask if she'd like for her (the woman assisting her) to be present if/when she chooses to tell her parents. Her presence may take some of the pressure off, but the woman will need to ensure the parents that they can trust her to keep this to herself or the parents may get upset with their daughter for telling someone outside of the family about the problem. They may or may not be upset/supportive, etc. There is not enough information to guess, but the bottom line is not to be judgmental of the young girl, not to attribute blame to her or her family; and finally to focus on working to assist her. She may very well be surprised by her parents' reaction and their understanding and support will be of great assistance to her.
7. Set out a time line with goals - what does she hope to achieve by when, etc.
Unfortunately, there is not enough discussion in the community about this problem and our young people don't always receive the support they need and deserve. We sometimes wrongly assume that just because something is 'forbidden' in the Faith, that it doesn't happen ... well it does, and there is indeed support out there in the community. Our youth are so important and precious and any effort you and others can make to assist in these issues, would be a great service.
- By Cheshmak Farhoumand-Sims, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
*************
Young and not so young Baha'is, who are struggling with addictions issues, can receive assistance from the Baha'i Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse. Their website is at: www.globweb.com/bnasaa/ They hold conferences yearly at Green Acre and Louhelen Baha'i School, and frequently at Bosch and other locations in the US and Canada.
- Susan Gammage, Ontario, Canada
Recently my spiritual daughter age 25 and Persian shared with me the reality of her drinking and taking drugs. She does not feel that she can get help within the Baha'i community let alone turn to other Persian Baha'is for help. After speaking with her, I have learned from other young Persian Baha'is that they have the same problems and fears. Is there anyone out there working to help break the silence of this frightening condition? These young people need and want help but don't know what to do or how to do it and I don't know what to tell them. Does anyone know how wide spread this problem could be? I know that more than Persians suffer from these problems, but they seem to hide it more. I'm grateful for any insights.
RESPONSES:
Like all cultures, Persian culture has many positive and negative aspects. One particularly negative aspect of this culture is the great emphasis on what I will call 'what will others think' syndrome. This prevents many individuals from being honest about personal tests for fear of what others may think or say. Unfortunately hiding problems and maintaining silence does not solve problems, but create bigger ones.
Firstly, it takes a great deal of courage for your spiritual daughter to share this problem with you and I would encourage you to commend her on her strength and courage. The fact that she has shared this with you means that firstly she does recognize it is a problem, and secondly, that she is reaching out for assistance.
If she is comfortable discussing this with her parents, the Local Assembly or an Auxiliary Board Member, please encourage her to do so and assure her of your full support as she tries to deal with this. If she is not comfortable going to family, friends or to the institutions of the faith, (which is what I would suspect is more likely) please take it upon yourself to be the one to help her address this problem and end her addiction.
Here is what I would do:
1. Do some research on the subject and put it all in a folder - perhaps do some internet research, get books, pamphlets etc on addiction; find out information on various agencies that deal with alcohol and drug addiction; information on therapists (preferably a woman) that specialize in this area. Alcohol and drug dependencies are often results of unresolved inner issues, frustrations, etc ... youth today are not always provided with the tools and channels they need to deal with tests, and alcohol and drugs are one way of 'forgetting' or dealing with problems or 'rebelling' against the forbidden. Therapy would be helpful for her to identify the underlying reasons for her addiction and through understanding comes power and strength.
2. Put together a list of quotations from the writings on the subject.
3. There is a Baha'i support group for people dealing with addiction. Call the Baha'i Centre and get information on this and contact information - just in case your 'daughter' would consider contacting them.
4. Prepared with all this information, invite her over to your home to discuss this issue. Tell her how grateful you are that she has shared this with you. It must be a great burden to have a problem such as this and feel there is no one to tell, nowhere to turn. Her opening up is the FIRST and most important step in her therapy. Say some prayers, and show her the folder with all the research you have done. Tell her what you've learned and what seems to stick out in your mind about her and this issue. Then have a consultation with her about what SHE would like to do.
- does she want to stop drinking and using drugs? - why does she think this habit began for her?- does she feel she can stop? (and tell her why you are confident that she can)- ask any other questions you think are relevant
5. Ask her to take the folder home and study it and set up another time to meet a week or two later to discuss the matter further. Giving her the opportunity to take control and choose her treatment option will be empowering to her. But your 'presence' - physical, emotional, and spiritual - are vital for her success. Assure her that you are available to her at all times and that you will stick by her. Tell her this is not her 'fault' and there is no faulting, blaming etc ... it is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has their own challenges, and this happens to be hers ... but for her physical, spiritual and psychological health, it needs to be dealt with because it is not only something that is spiritually forbidden but physically unhealthy.
6. Encourage the daughter to involve her parents. If she is not comfortable with this, ask if she'd like for her (the woman assisting her) to be present if/when she chooses to tell her parents. Her presence may take some of the pressure off, but the woman will need to ensure the parents that they can trust her to keep this to herself or the parents may get upset with their daughter for telling someone outside of the family about the problem. They may or may not be upset/supportive, etc. There is not enough information to guess, but the bottom line is not to be judgmental of the young girl, not to attribute blame to her or her family; and finally to focus on working to assist her. She may very well be surprised by her parents' reaction and their understanding and support will be of great assistance to her.
7. Set out a time line with goals - what does she hope to achieve by when, etc.
Unfortunately, there is not enough discussion in the community about this problem and our young people don't always receive the support they need and deserve. We sometimes wrongly assume that just because something is 'forbidden' in the Faith, that it doesn't happen ... well it does, and there is indeed support out there in the community. Our youth are so important and precious and any effort you and others can make to assist in these issues, would be a great service.
- By Cheshmak Farhoumand-Sims, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
*************
Young and not so young Baha'is, who are struggling with addictions issues, can receive assistance from the Baha'i Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addictions and Abuse. Their website is at: www.globweb.com/bnasaa/ They hold conferences yearly at Green Acre and Louhelen Baha'i School, and frequently at Bosch and other locations in the US and Canada.
- Susan Gammage, Ontario, Canada
*************************
HAPPY COUPLES
*************************
Taken from "Parenting in the New World Order - The Marriage Journal", Volume 2, Issue #7, March, 1997
"A friend recently loaned us an article to read with the intriguing title: The Nine Secrets of Happy Couples" by Rebecca Rice from Red Book, February, 1997. We enjoyed Rebecca's article as she looked at the 'ways and means' of a happy marriage. Forty percent of marriages end in divorce so anything we all can learn about good marriages is to our advantage. The author of the article soon realizes of course, "there are certain core values" in good marriages. We know that everyone can probably list them - trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc. But there seem to arise the same habits from any happy couple that mirror these values. We will share very simple actions of her observations of happy couples.
1. They have personal 'pet' names for each other. Says Carolyn Perta, PhD, a marital and family therapist in Manhattan, "Pet names signal a safe, supportive environment and give us the chance to be vulnerable and childlike. They make us feel close to one another.
2. They DO things together - start businesses, take up cooking together, refinish to attic, browse in antique stores, etc.
3. When the going gets tough they don't call Mom or Dad. It is important for the couple to solve their internal problems without any outside, potentially intrusive and controlling forces.
4. They stay connected to their parents and other family members. This way they share that part of their life with each other.
5. They both try to give 150% - and don't keep score.
6. They know how to disagree with limits and with no name calling.
7. They give each other simple gifts or little notes.
8. They do not tease each other about their vulnerable areas.
9. They help each other through life's ups and downs.
"Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their partner's suffering, like becoming resentful or criticizing," notes Dr. Young-Eisendrath. "They both feel that they can always count on each other."
HAPPY COUPLES
*************************
Taken from "Parenting in the New World Order - The Marriage Journal", Volume 2, Issue #7, March, 1997
"A friend recently loaned us an article to read with the intriguing title: The Nine Secrets of Happy Couples" by Rebecca Rice from Red Book, February, 1997. We enjoyed Rebecca's article as she looked at the 'ways and means' of a happy marriage. Forty percent of marriages end in divorce so anything we all can learn about good marriages is to our advantage. The author of the article soon realizes of course, "there are certain core values" in good marriages. We know that everyone can probably list them - trust, mutual respect, commitment, etc. But there seem to arise the same habits from any happy couple that mirror these values. We will share very simple actions of her observations of happy couples.
1. They have personal 'pet' names for each other. Says Carolyn Perta, PhD, a marital and family therapist in Manhattan, "Pet names signal a safe, supportive environment and give us the chance to be vulnerable and childlike. They make us feel close to one another.
2. They DO things together - start businesses, take up cooking together, refinish to attic, browse in antique stores, etc.
3. When the going gets tough they don't call Mom or Dad. It is important for the couple to solve their internal problems without any outside, potentially intrusive and controlling forces.
4. They stay connected to their parents and other family members. This way they share that part of their life with each other.
5. They both try to give 150% - and don't keep score.
6. They know how to disagree with limits and with no name calling.
7. They give each other simple gifts or little notes.
8. They do not tease each other about their vulnerable areas.
9. They help each other through life's ups and downs.
"Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their partner's suffering, like becoming resentful or criticizing," notes Dr. Young-Eisendrath. "They both feel that they can always count on each other."
******************************************************
DEALING WITH ANGER AND HURT
*****************************************************
These notes are taken from "A Marriage Workshop", prepared by the Task Force for Family Life for the Continental Board of Counsellors in Europe, 1995.
"...let your adorning be forgiveness and mercy..." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 139)
Frustration, anger, and hurt can get in the way of co-operation, clear thinking, and communication. There are several steps that might be helpful in dealing with these feelings.
1. ADMITTING the feeling of frustration, hurt or anger. Being honest with ourselves is not easy if we believe the feelings to be all bad. It is easier if we see that such feelings are a warning that something is wrong. They have a story to tell that is often worth listening to.
2. REFUSING TO ACT UPON THE FIRST IMPULSE OF ANGER, FRUSTRATION OR HURT. Having a feeling and acting on it are two different things. Take "Three deep breaths" can be of help in separating the feeling and an immediate reaction that could be regretted later.
3. REFLECTING upon the feelings (when they are no longer so intense) by asking yourself such questions as: "What triggered (set off) this feeling? Did I feel misunderstood, unjustly treated, afraid, hurt, etc? It can be useful to ask: "Have I any typical patterns of feeling that get in the way of my relationships?"
If so, what can I do to change these patterns?
Reflection is difficult when feelings are intense. Later it may be possible to reflect and decide what to do next time. Perhaps consulting constructively with our partner will seem reasonable. Perhaps it will seem wiser to set the feelings aside. Physical activity can be a help in releasing pent up emotions. Other things can also be helpful - such as finding some higher purpose and realising that no one - (not even one's partner!) is perfect - "yet man must remember; the earth plane is a workshop and not an art gallery for the exhibition of powers. This is not the plane of perfection, but the earth is the crucible for refining and moulding character." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Star of West, Vol. 24, p. 350)
4. PRAYING has great power to dissolve troubling feelings. "Rely upon God, Trust in Him, Praise Him and call Him continually to mind. He verily turneth trouble into ease, and sorrow into solace, and toil into utter peace. He verily hath dominion over all things." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, 178)
5. FORGIVING. Sometimes the pain and anger have a just cause. When more reasonable action cannot right the wrong, forgiving may be the only option available. It is perhaps more important to forgive, if we are not to become prisoners of our own bitterness. It is helpful to spend some time in reflection on forgiveness and any obstacles (within) that stands in the way of forgiving."
6. LOOK WITH COMPASSION BEHIND THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS. Assume there is an understandable reason for the way another is acting. We can then try to be ' a healing salve unto his sores...' ('Abdu'-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'-Baha, p. 34). This may help to avoid acting in a defensive way. It might then be possible to react to the feeling behind the hurtful action.
Editor's notes: The last point #6, reminded me of this quote about The Greatest Holy Leaf, Bahiyyih Khanum, sister of 'Abdu'l-Baha and daughter of Baha'u'llah.
"You were sure that if one tried to hurt her she would wish to console him for his own cruelty. For her love was unconditioned, could penetrate disguise and see hunger behind the mask of fury, and she knew that the most brutal self is secretly hoping to find gentleness in another." (Marjory Morten, The Passing of Bahiyyih Khanum, The Baha'i World, Vol. 5, 1932-34)
I would also like to add two more important remedies for dealing with anger and hurt which are:
7. GRATITUDE. God sends us tests and difficult situations to teach us something essential for our growth and progress. By recognizing the problem as a test that God has lovingly given to us, it will be easier to accept them for our benefit and well being.
"Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity." (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings, p. 285)
"Those who suffer most, attain to the greatest perfection...Tests are benefits from God, for which we should thank Him. Grief and sorrow do not come to us by chance, they are sent to us by the Divine Mercy for our own perfecting.
While a man is happy he may forget his God; but when grief comes and sorrows overwhelm him, then will he remember his Father who is in Heaven, and who is able to deliver him from his humiliations.
Men who suffer not, attain no perfection. The plant most pruned by the gardeners is that one which, when the summer comes, will have the most beautiful blossoms and the most abundant fruit." (`Abdu'l-Baha,Paris Talks*, pp. 50-51)
8. PERFECTING OURSELVES We need to figure out what our mistakes/weaknesses are and then overcome them instead of focussing on others' faults. Here are a few examples from the Baha'i writings:
"Whenever you recognize the fault of another, think of yourself! What are my imperfections? - and try to remove them. Do this whenever you are tried through the words or deeds of others. Thus you will grow, become more perfect. You will overcome self, you will not even have time to think of the faults of others..." (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, August 13, 1980, Multiple Authors, Lights of Guidance, p. 90)
"The tongue I have designed for the mention of Me, defile it not with detraction. If the fire of self overcome you, remember your own faults and not the faults of My creatures, inasmuch as every one of you knoweth his own self better than he knoweth others." (Baha'u'llah, Persian Hidden Words, # 66)
DEALING WITH ANGER AND HURT
*****************************************************
These notes are taken from "A Marriage Workshop", prepared by the Task Force for Family Life for the Continental Board of Counsellors in Europe, 1995.
"...let your adorning be forgiveness and mercy..." (Baha'u'llah, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p. 139)
Frustration, anger, and hurt can get in the way of co-operation, clear thinking, and communication. There are several steps that might be helpful in dealing with these feelings.
1. ADMITTING the feeling of frustration, hurt or anger. Being honest with ourselves is not easy if we believe the feelings to be all bad. It is easier if we see that such feelings are a warning that something is wrong. They have a story to tell that is often worth listening to.
2. REFUSING TO ACT UPON THE FIRST IMPULSE OF ANGER, FRUSTRATION OR HURT. Having a feeling and acting on it are two different things. Take "Three deep breaths" can be of help in separating the feeling and an immediate reaction that could be regretted later.
3. REFLECTING upon the feelings (when they are no longer so intense) by asking yourself such questions as: "What triggered (set off) this feeling? Did I feel misunderstood, unjustly treated, afraid, hurt, etc? It can be useful to ask: "Have I any typical patterns of feeling that get in the way of my relationships?"
If so, what can I do to change these patterns?
Reflection is difficult when feelings are intense. Later it may be possible to reflect and decide what to do next time. Perhaps consulting constructively with our partner will seem reasonable. Perhaps it will seem wiser to set the feelings aside. Physical activity can be a help in releasing pent up emotions. Other things can also be helpful - such as finding some higher purpose and realising that no one - (not even one's partner!) is perfect - "yet man must remember; the earth plane is a workshop and not an art gallery for the exhibition of powers. This is not the plane of perfection, but the earth is the crucible for refining and moulding character." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Star of West, Vol. 24, p. 350)
4. PRAYING has great power to dissolve troubling feelings. "Rely upon God, Trust in Him, Praise Him and call Him continually to mind. He verily turneth trouble into ease, and sorrow into solace, and toil into utter peace. He verily hath dominion over all things." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, 178)
5. FORGIVING. Sometimes the pain and anger have a just cause. When more reasonable action cannot right the wrong, forgiving may be the only option available. It is perhaps more important to forgive, if we are not to become prisoners of our own bitterness. It is helpful to spend some time in reflection on forgiveness and any obstacles (within) that stands in the way of forgiving."
6. LOOK WITH COMPASSION BEHIND THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR OF OTHERS. Assume there is an understandable reason for the way another is acting. We can then try to be ' a healing salve unto his sores...' ('Abdu'-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'-Baha, p. 34). This may help to avoid acting in a defensive way. It might then be possible to react to the feeling behind the hurtful action.
Editor's notes: The last point #6, reminded me of this quote about The Greatest Holy Leaf, Bahiyyih Khanum, sister of 'Abdu'l-Baha and daughter of Baha'u'llah.
"You were sure that if one tried to hurt her she would wish to console him for his own cruelty. For her love was unconditioned, could penetrate disguise and see hunger behind the mask of fury, and she knew that the most brutal self is secretly hoping to find gentleness in another." (Marjory Morten, The Passing of Bahiyyih Khanum, The Baha'i World, Vol. 5, 1932-34)
I would also like to add two more important remedies for dealing with anger and hurt which are:
7. GRATITUDE. God sends us tests and difficult situations to teach us something essential for our growth and progress. By recognizing the problem as a test that God has lovingly given to us, it will be easier to accept them for our benefit and well being.
"Be generous in prosperity and thankful in adversity." (Baha'u'llah, Gleanings, p. 285)
"Those who suffer most, attain to the greatest perfection...Tests are benefits from God, for which we should thank Him. Grief and sorrow do not come to us by chance, they are sent to us by the Divine Mercy for our own perfecting.
While a man is happy he may forget his God; but when grief comes and sorrows overwhelm him, then will he remember his Father who is in Heaven, and who is able to deliver him from his humiliations.
Men who suffer not, attain no perfection. The plant most pruned by the gardeners is that one which, when the summer comes, will have the most beautiful blossoms and the most abundant fruit." (`Abdu'l-Baha,Paris Talks*, pp. 50-51)
8. PERFECTING OURSELVES We need to figure out what our mistakes/weaknesses are and then overcome them instead of focussing on others' faults. Here are a few examples from the Baha'i writings:
"Whenever you recognize the fault of another, think of yourself! What are my imperfections? - and try to remove them. Do this whenever you are tried through the words or deeds of others. Thus you will grow, become more perfect. You will overcome self, you will not even have time to think of the faults of others..." (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, August 13, 1980, Multiple Authors, Lights of Guidance, p. 90)
"The tongue I have designed for the mention of Me, defile it not with detraction. If the fire of self overcome you, remember your own faults and not the faults of My creatures, inasmuch as every one of you knoweth his own self better than he knoweth others." (Baha'u'llah, Persian Hidden Words, # 66)
************************************
CHOOSING A PARTNER
************************************
Attraction and Harmony
"In short, attraction and harmony of things are the cause of the production of fruits and useful results, while repulsion and disharmony of things are the cause of disturbance and annihilation." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith, p. 296)
Know His Own Self
"...man should know his own self, and know those things which lead to loftiness or to abasement, to shame or to honour, to affluence or poverty." (Baha'u'llah, The Baha'i World, p. 167)
Before Choosing a Partner
Some counsels of 'Abdu'l-Baha addressed to a believer help men and women to reflect on their attitude and the person of their choice.
1) A joyful disposition "...she must be sympathetic, kind-hearted, happy and endowed with a joyful disposition." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
2) A companion and a partner"....She must take an interest in all the problems pertaining to thy life, and be thy companion and partner in every phase of thy existence..." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
3) Everlasting friendship"Before choosing a wife a man must think soberly and seriously that this girl will be his friend throughout all his life. It is not a temporary matter." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
A Mate and Intimate Confident"She is a soul with whom he must associate all the days of his life; she will be his mate and his intimate confidant; therefore, day by day their love and their attachment to each other must increase." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
No Interference"As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118)
Consent of Parents"As we desired to bring about love and friendship and the unity of the people, therefore We made marriage conditional upon the consent of the parents also, that enmity and ill-feeling might be avoided." (Baha'u'llah, Kitab-i-Aqdas)
Eternal Bond"Baha'i marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life." ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Baha'i World Faith, p. 372)
Character and Faith"There is a difference between character and faith; it is often very hard to accept this fact and put up with it, but the fact remains that a person may believe and love the Cause - even to being ready to die for it - and yet not have a personal character, or possess traits at variance with the teachings." (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated October 17, 1944, written on behalf to an individual believer.)
True Baha'i Marriage"The true marriage of Baha'is is this, that both husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Baha'i marriage." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118)
Tenderness Out of This World"In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, pp. 117-8)
***********************************
CHOOSING A PARTNER
************************************
Attraction and Harmony
"In short, attraction and harmony of things are the cause of the production of fruits and useful results, while repulsion and disharmony of things are the cause of disturbance and annihilation." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith, p. 296)
Know His Own Self
"...man should know his own self, and know those things which lead to loftiness or to abasement, to shame or to honour, to affluence or poverty." (Baha'u'llah, The Baha'i World, p. 167)
Before Choosing a Partner
Some counsels of 'Abdu'l-Baha addressed to a believer help men and women to reflect on their attitude and the person of their choice.
1) A joyful disposition "...she must be sympathetic, kind-hearted, happy and endowed with a joyful disposition." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
2) A companion and a partner"....She must take an interest in all the problems pertaining to thy life, and be thy companion and partner in every phase of thy existence..." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
3) Everlasting friendship"Before choosing a wife a man must think soberly and seriously that this girl will be his friend throughout all his life. It is not a temporary matter." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
A Mate and Intimate Confident"She is a soul with whom he must associate all the days of his life; she will be his mate and his intimate confidant; therefore, day by day their love and their attachment to each other must increase." ('Abdu'l-Baha, 22nd Dec 1918, to A.S., Star of the West, vol 11, no 1, p. 20)
No Interference"As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother. Before thou makest thy choice, they have no right to interfere." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118)
Consent of Parents"As we desired to bring about love and friendship and the unity of the people, therefore We made marriage conditional upon the consent of the parents also, that enmity and ill-feeling might be avoided." (Baha'u'llah, Kitab-i-Aqdas)
Eternal Bond"Baha'i marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other's character. This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life." ('Abdu'l-Baha, The Baha'i World Faith, p. 372)
Character and Faith"There is a difference between character and faith; it is often very hard to accept this fact and put up with it, but the fact remains that a person may believe and love the Cause - even to being ready to die for it - and yet not have a personal character, or possess traits at variance with the teachings." (Shoghi Effendi, from a letter dated October 17, 1944, written on behalf to an individual believer.)
True Baha'i Marriage"The true marriage of Baha'is is this, that both husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Baha'i marriage." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 118)
Tenderness Out of This World"In the same way, when any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, pp. 117-8)
***********************************
How can communities support parents in the spiritual education of their children and how can community members establish sound relationships with the children and youth in their community?
Speaking from personal experience. From the time my children were born, they attended 19-day Feasts and the community always included them and all the other children. They, once able to, were invited to say a prayer at Feasts and other gatherings, and no matter how slow or laboured the recitation was, they were never made to feel hurried. The National Assembly of Ireland sends a 19 - day children's newsletter produced by the National Education Committee to the Feast as well as the Feast letter. The children always shared the reading of this children's newsletter. It was generally read and discussed first at the consultative part of the Feast. When the children were still small, they would then leave with someone older to do an activity in another room and then return for the social part. When the children became older, if they wished, they would be included in the consultation.
The members of the community, many of them also parents and some single people were very warm and loving to the children/junior youth/youth talking with them and generally being interested in how they were doing in school/their hobbies etc. The Local Spiritual Assembly ( I am a member) always had children/youth as an item on its agenda and prayed for them specifically at the Assembly meetings. Thankfully, both the Assembly and the community realized/understood that the children were the future of the Faith and indeed "our precious trust". ( Local Spiritual Assemblies, elected annually consist of nine Baha'is, twenty-one years of age and older, govern the affairs of each local Baha'i community.)
I think I can say that the majority of the young people in the Irish community are now taking their place in the Baha'i community, traveling overseas to do a youth year of service, pioneering, homefront and overseas and serving on National Committees. I feel that our National Assembly, aided by its relevant committees, had great foresight and wisdom and now there are 3 or 4 older youth who have been chosen to go to the World Centre next May as part of the 19 to attend the formal opening of the Terraces.
In a nutshell, they (children/junior youth/youth) were included, loved and communicated with by the community members and the Institutions. Also I personally want to say, communicating and relating with children/youth is rewarding and enjoyable. Everyone gains from it, children/youth have such insight and are usually very straight forward in their talking and thinking. We all can learn from them. - Eleanor Dawson, Ireland
***************
Here in Perth, Western Australia we have just formed a Parenting and Family Life Task Force to look at this question and many others. Last week, I came across one of the many wonderful and useful quotations from the Core Curriculum for Spiritual Education, Parenting Program:
"So long as the mother faileth to train her children, and start them on a proper way of life, the training which they receive later on will not take its full effect. It is incumbent upon the Spiritual Assemblies to provide the mothers with a well-planned programme for the education of children, showing how, from infancy, the child must be watched over and taught. These instructions must be given to every mother to serve her as a guide, so that each will train and nurture her children in accordance with the Teachings." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 138)
In response to the question as to how we can support parents, I would like to offer the suggestion that the community look into running this wonderful parenting program (it is currently being assessed by the International Teaching Centre). The Core Curriculum is an educational program for the spiritual development of children and families that has been developed by the National Baha'i Educational Task Force under the guidance of the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States. The training program has four modules or sections: the role and qualities of the teacher, including the importance of a personal transformation program; the spiritual reality of the child, including an examination of physical, mental and spiritual stages in human development; the interconnected relationships and responsibilities of parents, teachers, Spiritual Assemblies and the community for the education of children; and using sections of the Core Curriculum, making lesson plans and activities which accommodate a wide range of learning styles.
The program is process oriented, aims at promoting the growth of child-development centered communities, drawing into the process all members of the community.
We have nearly completed working through this program and have gained much in spiritual insight as well as having lots of fun and laughter, and developing unity and friendship in our community. - Sue Haselhurst, Australia
*************
Regarding the spiritual education of children, I have attended and even conducted many seminars and meetings on this topic and have advised parents according to the Writings, stressing the need for continuous reflection, family prayer and family consultation, the need to set limits and the need to be a good example. The introduction to the Virtues Guide (see book/pamphlet section) is a good place for parents to start when looking for ways to improve the spiritual education of children. What has lately come to my attention though, is that our 'deepened' Baha'is, who themselves could quote the entire Baha'i Education compilation verbatim, still often resort to physical punishment (slapping and pinching), threats, abuse and insults when dealing with children under five. It really doesn't work at all. These are the children who themselves start hitting other children when under pressure. I wonder if communities shouldn't help parents to deal with frustration and anger and teach them about time out (for themselves as well as the child) and using other means of disciplining small children. Of course, some parents go to the opposite extreme of letting their children destroy someone's home while they smile benignly - but it is possible to have well disciplined children without a battle. I learned this the hard way but now we have a fixed set of rules about behaviour with punishments (such as no story, no TV) and lots of rewards and encouragement for the slightest good thing (non-material rewards, such as more love and attention and time with mom and dad). When we get too stressed and shout at them, we apologize and take responsibility for it. They also take responsibility for their own bad moods. Sometimes we forget that a child is a green and tender plant that will grow in whichever way WE train the child. This is an image to always keep in your mind when you are about to lose your cool.
"While the physical discipline of children is an acceptable part of their education and training, such actions are to be carried out "gently and patiently" and with "loving care", far removed from anger and violence with which children are beaten and abused in some parts of the world. To treat children in such an abhorrent manner is a denial of their human rights, and a betrayal of the trust which the weak should have in the strong in a Baha'i community." (The Universal House of Justice, from the Research Department, 17 January 1994) - Anonymous
******************************************
THE ROLE OF THE "NOT-PARENT"
******************************************
By Denise Moberly, taken from "Parenting in the New World Order, Volume 5, Issue #5, January, 1996)
For this article "not-parent" is an adult to whom a teen turns for a listening ear and/or advice.
"In our global society, families have become scattered. There once were and sometimes still are, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins nearby. Now there may be a neighbour, a family friend, a friend's parent. The lack of a close family net does not eliminate the need of a teen to discuss the process of becoming an adult with other adults. Discussion with parents is needed, but, reflecting thoughts and ideas off other adults expands the youth's horizons. This is not a sign of a deficient parent but rather a sign of a budding adult using the fundamentals of consultation for problem-solving, and for exploring themselves.
Youth on the verge of adulthood need to see themselves as an adult rather than an extension of their parents. Talking with an adult who listens and speaks to them as an adult is one way of finding out who they are.
"True loss is for him whose days have been spent in utter ignorance of his self." (Baha'u'llah, Words of Wisdom, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p.156)
During my teen years when I felt I couldn't talk with my parents I had other adults to talk with. Sometimes I felt my parents "just wouldn't understand", sometimes I just wanted another viewpoint, or another form of expression. I now see that "not understanding" is that the parents and I knew each other so well that it was too close, so I went to an adult I trusted to sound out my concerns or try out new ideas. These women listened, sharing their life skills, and spoke their concern as a parent. They could hear my struggles and supported the wisdom of my parents.
"Likewise, when you meet those whose opinions differ from your own, do not turn away your face from them. All are seeking truth, and there are many roads leading thereto. Truth has many aspects, but it remains always and forever one...Rather, search diligently for the truth and make all men your friends." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 53)
My daughter is 17 and I am now witnessing this process. I have also been in the position of the not-parent, where a teen has trusted me enough to explore a part of their world with me. I have found that I have learned from these youth and that the search for truth has given me another friend.
The sharing between the elder and the youth is a time-honoured part of community building."
***********************************************************
THE IMPORTANCE OF READING TO CHILDREN
***********************************************************
By Frankie Shaw, taken from "Puslinch Pioneer, Ontario, Canada, Vol. 24, Issue #2, September, 1999
"I recently read an article on literacy, and the facts were startling. Reading to children requires parents' urgent attention from their child's birth onwards. Researchers are saying that children who have not been read to and so have not exercised that part of their brain by the age of seven are in danger of experiencing brain atrophy. The more that children are read to before they go to school, the more likely their academic success. Those fortunate children who have the pleasure of being read to before they start school have an 80% greater change of finishing high school, but children who have not experienced that pleasure lack the wide vocabulary and metaphorical base from which to start the formal process of learning. They need to know that language has a cadence and rhythm which is different when read. They need to know the alphabet. They need to know that words in English go from left to right and they need to know that pages turn from right to left. Children who have spent many hours in front of televisions, computers, video games, or movies do not necessarily know these things. So, given that parents know how important it is for them to read to their children, here's how to set about it:
* Choose books that appeal to both yourself and your child. Some books seem to meet a deep need and will be read over and over again.
* If an event is going to happen such as a new baby coming into the family or a grandparent going into hospital, you could introduce the idea through a story, which will in turn promote discussion in a positive way.
* Choose stories to validate your child's point of view and to show respect for his/her experiences.
* Nourish the development of the brain through the stimulation of ideas, concepts and enriched language.
* Foster the ability to problem-solve as the child identifies with the characters and their situations.
* Register your child in your local library's Story Time. There he/she will join other children and see how they enjoy listening to stories and looking at the pictures.
Spending time reading with your child is one of the most critical investments you will make in your child's and the community's future.
***********************************************************************
Speaking from personal experience. From the time my children were born, they attended 19-day Feasts and the community always included them and all the other children. They, once able to, were invited to say a prayer at Feasts and other gatherings, and no matter how slow or laboured the recitation was, they were never made to feel hurried. The National Assembly of Ireland sends a 19 - day children's newsletter produced by the National Education Committee to the Feast as well as the Feast letter. The children always shared the reading of this children's newsletter. It was generally read and discussed first at the consultative part of the Feast. When the children were still small, they would then leave with someone older to do an activity in another room and then return for the social part. When the children became older, if they wished, they would be included in the consultation.
The members of the community, many of them also parents and some single people were very warm and loving to the children/junior youth/youth talking with them and generally being interested in how they were doing in school/their hobbies etc. The Local Spiritual Assembly ( I am a member) always had children/youth as an item on its agenda and prayed for them specifically at the Assembly meetings. Thankfully, both the Assembly and the community realized/understood that the children were the future of the Faith and indeed "our precious trust". ( Local Spiritual Assemblies, elected annually consist of nine Baha'is, twenty-one years of age and older, govern the affairs of each local Baha'i community.)
I think I can say that the majority of the young people in the Irish community are now taking their place in the Baha'i community, traveling overseas to do a youth year of service, pioneering, homefront and overseas and serving on National Committees. I feel that our National Assembly, aided by its relevant committees, had great foresight and wisdom and now there are 3 or 4 older youth who have been chosen to go to the World Centre next May as part of the 19 to attend the formal opening of the Terraces.
In a nutshell, they (children/junior youth/youth) were included, loved and communicated with by the community members and the Institutions. Also I personally want to say, communicating and relating with children/youth is rewarding and enjoyable. Everyone gains from it, children/youth have such insight and are usually very straight forward in their talking and thinking. We all can learn from them. - Eleanor Dawson, Ireland
***************
Here in Perth, Western Australia we have just formed a Parenting and Family Life Task Force to look at this question and many others. Last week, I came across one of the many wonderful and useful quotations from the Core Curriculum for Spiritual Education, Parenting Program:
"So long as the mother faileth to train her children, and start them on a proper way of life, the training which they receive later on will not take its full effect. It is incumbent upon the Spiritual Assemblies to provide the mothers with a well-planned programme for the education of children, showing how, from infancy, the child must be watched over and taught. These instructions must be given to every mother to serve her as a guide, so that each will train and nurture her children in accordance with the Teachings." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of 'Abdu'l-Baha, p. 138)
In response to the question as to how we can support parents, I would like to offer the suggestion that the community look into running this wonderful parenting program (it is currently being assessed by the International Teaching Centre). The Core Curriculum is an educational program for the spiritual development of children and families that has been developed by the National Baha'i Educational Task Force under the guidance of the National Spiritual Assembly of the United States. The training program has four modules or sections: the role and qualities of the teacher, including the importance of a personal transformation program; the spiritual reality of the child, including an examination of physical, mental and spiritual stages in human development; the interconnected relationships and responsibilities of parents, teachers, Spiritual Assemblies and the community for the education of children; and using sections of the Core Curriculum, making lesson plans and activities which accommodate a wide range of learning styles.
The program is process oriented, aims at promoting the growth of child-development centered communities, drawing into the process all members of the community.
We have nearly completed working through this program and have gained much in spiritual insight as well as having lots of fun and laughter, and developing unity and friendship in our community. - Sue Haselhurst, Australia
*************
Regarding the spiritual education of children, I have attended and even conducted many seminars and meetings on this topic and have advised parents according to the Writings, stressing the need for continuous reflection, family prayer and family consultation, the need to set limits and the need to be a good example. The introduction to the Virtues Guide (see book/pamphlet section) is a good place for parents to start when looking for ways to improve the spiritual education of children. What has lately come to my attention though, is that our 'deepened' Baha'is, who themselves could quote the entire Baha'i Education compilation verbatim, still often resort to physical punishment (slapping and pinching), threats, abuse and insults when dealing with children under five. It really doesn't work at all. These are the children who themselves start hitting other children when under pressure. I wonder if communities shouldn't help parents to deal with frustration and anger and teach them about time out (for themselves as well as the child) and using other means of disciplining small children. Of course, some parents go to the opposite extreme of letting their children destroy someone's home while they smile benignly - but it is possible to have well disciplined children without a battle. I learned this the hard way but now we have a fixed set of rules about behaviour with punishments (such as no story, no TV) and lots of rewards and encouragement for the slightest good thing (non-material rewards, such as more love and attention and time with mom and dad). When we get too stressed and shout at them, we apologize and take responsibility for it. They also take responsibility for their own bad moods. Sometimes we forget that a child is a green and tender plant that will grow in whichever way WE train the child. This is an image to always keep in your mind when you are about to lose your cool.
"While the physical discipline of children is an acceptable part of their education and training, such actions are to be carried out "gently and patiently" and with "loving care", far removed from anger and violence with which children are beaten and abused in some parts of the world. To treat children in such an abhorrent manner is a denial of their human rights, and a betrayal of the trust which the weak should have in the strong in a Baha'i community." (The Universal House of Justice, from the Research Department, 17 January 1994) - Anonymous
******************************************
THE ROLE OF THE "NOT-PARENT"
******************************************
By Denise Moberly, taken from "Parenting in the New World Order, Volume 5, Issue #5, January, 1996)
For this article "not-parent" is an adult to whom a teen turns for a listening ear and/or advice.
"In our global society, families have become scattered. There once were and sometimes still are, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older cousins nearby. Now there may be a neighbour, a family friend, a friend's parent. The lack of a close family net does not eliminate the need of a teen to discuss the process of becoming an adult with other adults. Discussion with parents is needed, but, reflecting thoughts and ideas off other adults expands the youth's horizons. This is not a sign of a deficient parent but rather a sign of a budding adult using the fundamentals of consultation for problem-solving, and for exploring themselves.
Youth on the verge of adulthood need to see themselves as an adult rather than an extension of their parents. Talking with an adult who listens and speaks to them as an adult is one way of finding out who they are.
"True loss is for him whose days have been spent in utter ignorance of his self." (Baha'u'llah, Words of Wisdom, Tablets of Baha'u'llah, p.156)
During my teen years when I felt I couldn't talk with my parents I had other adults to talk with. Sometimes I felt my parents "just wouldn't understand", sometimes I just wanted another viewpoint, or another form of expression. I now see that "not understanding" is that the parents and I knew each other so well that it was too close, so I went to an adult I trusted to sound out my concerns or try out new ideas. These women listened, sharing their life skills, and spoke their concern as a parent. They could hear my struggles and supported the wisdom of my parents.
"Likewise, when you meet those whose opinions differ from your own, do not turn away your face from them. All are seeking truth, and there are many roads leading thereto. Truth has many aspects, but it remains always and forever one...Rather, search diligently for the truth and make all men your friends." ('Abdu'l-Baha, Paris Talks, p. 53)
My daughter is 17 and I am now witnessing this process. I have also been in the position of the not-parent, where a teen has trusted me enough to explore a part of their world with me. I have found that I have learned from these youth and that the search for truth has given me another friend.
The sharing between the elder and the youth is a time-honoured part of community building."
***********************************************************
THE IMPORTANCE OF READING TO CHILDREN
***********************************************************
By Frankie Shaw, taken from "Puslinch Pioneer, Ontario, Canada, Vol. 24, Issue #2, September, 1999
"I recently read an article on literacy, and the facts were startling. Reading to children requires parents' urgent attention from their child's birth onwards. Researchers are saying that children who have not been read to and so have not exercised that part of their brain by the age of seven are in danger of experiencing brain atrophy. The more that children are read to before they go to school, the more likely their academic success. Those fortunate children who have the pleasure of being read to before they start school have an 80% greater change of finishing high school, but children who have not experienced that pleasure lack the wide vocabulary and metaphorical base from which to start the formal process of learning. They need to know that language has a cadence and rhythm which is different when read. They need to know the alphabet. They need to know that words in English go from left to right and they need to know that pages turn from right to left. Children who have spent many hours in front of televisions, computers, video games, or movies do not necessarily know these things. So, given that parents know how important it is for them to read to their children, here's how to set about it:
* Choose books that appeal to both yourself and your child. Some books seem to meet a deep need and will be read over and over again.
* If an event is going to happen such as a new baby coming into the family or a grandparent going into hospital, you could introduce the idea through a story, which will in turn promote discussion in a positive way.
* Choose stories to validate your child's point of view and to show respect for his/her experiences.
* Nourish the development of the brain through the stimulation of ideas, concepts and enriched language.
* Foster the ability to problem-solve as the child identifies with the characters and their situations.
* Register your child in your local library's Story Time. There he/she will join other children and see how they enjoy listening to stories and looking at the pictures.
Spending time reading with your child is one of the most critical investments you will make in your child's and the community's future.
***********************************************************************
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